a lot of the times, i'm confused. also tired of trying to change things for myself. tired mostly because it feels like i'm not any closer to that change since starting. i don't really know what to do. i mean.. i know what i should do, but... i don't know...

...in times like these, when i feel so discouraged, after a small something happens that reminds me of how far behind i see myself to be, i just wanna call it quits. i think about the relief of not having to deal with this. except it's not a relief i would experience afterward, well, because i'd be dead. there's nothingness, i assume, which is not anything negative or sad, but i just won't feel the relief i'd be killing myself for. it's a cease to the entirety of my experience.

where did things go wrong? where did this start falling apart? is this reversible? can i lessen this?

i don't know what to do with myself now. in this putrid state, in this purgatory. what do i do...

...

i'll revisit this place again. immediately following this, as per habit, i'll distract myself for a long while. and then something will remind me of me and i'll be back here, saying i don't know and asking no one where do i go from here. this cycle. this cycle...

at least i find myself also thinking please help me