I've put a lot of flirty, forward feelers out there into reddit-land in recent weeks in the name of finding some fun with new friends. I decided I would track the outreach so you gentlemen can get a sense of the "market" we ladies are facing. Me and my notebook have been keeping rather meticulous records. Let me share a few fun takeaways from my analysis.

1) 20% of men who send me a DM or a chat send a single line that frankly does not qualify as a sufficient greeting. Most often it is "whats up" or "wuts up" which hurts my soul because even if you're being brief, you should also remember the punctuation and question mark. In a close second is "hey". That's it. Hey. I'm embarrassed for the education system that cranked out a citizen not suitable for Idiocracy.

2) Another 40% of men lead with a pic. Of all those that lead with a pic, it's basically 50/50 SFW vs NSFW. Frankly, I'm just going to say it. You guys absolutely positively suck at taking pics. The SFW selfies are horrendous. The weird posing and overly serious facial expressions. It feels like I'm vetting talent for a laxative commercial. And the NSFW pics? Don't be that guy. Really. Don't. But if you're going to be that guy, might I recommend much better lighting and a razor and... you know what.... fuck it. Just don't be that guy.

3) Another 30% put together a decent opening and introduction. It would likely be enough for me to engage but these gentlemen turn quickly to corny. They double down, triple down on humor that I would feel better suited to bingo night at the senior living community. I'm not a child. I'm not a geriatric. I'm a 30-something woman you want to suck your dick. Stick to, you know, acting like an adult.

4) The remaining 10% do pretty well. They're engaging, confident, interesting, curious, solid conversationalists, not too pushy getting or giving pics, and leave me thinking it might just work. But of this pool of gentlemen, about 4 in 10 get very pushy. They want to meet like NOW. They pretend that if I'm not ready to throw on my sluttiest clothes and some makeup and run out the door, then I'm a fool and they won't even bother. Another 4 in 10 ruin their chances not because they admit they're married but because they think that telling me a sob story about their dead bedroom with gain my sympathy. Gentlemen, if your wife isn't fucking you then either she doesn't want to fuck you (which leaves me likely to feel the same way) or she's fucking someone else behind your back and you're too clueless to see it which leaves me wondering if you're sufficiently savvy to have an affair.

That leaves 2 men in 100. These men are in many ways "nothing special" because they're not all 6'3. They're not all crazy fit. They're not all rich. They're not all a certain look. Yet, these men rock my world. These men make me tingle and bite my lip when they text me out of the blue. These are the men I fuck. These are the men I service with great enthusiasm over and over.

Raise the bar, fellas.