The last time I did it, I was nowhere home. I survived. This is the time I'd tell you na, this is the second time and if you're reading this... at least dito nagawa ko na nang maayos.

I am not mad, not angry. I am just sad. I have been genuinely unhappy for the longest time. Hindi n'yo alam ilang silent battles yung naipanalo ko, at natalo ako. Kasi alam ko, pag sinabi ko, papagalitan n'yo lang ako.

Alam ko na sa lahat ng ginagawa ko, hindi kayo natuwa. Hindi kayo masaya. Even if I have won awards, been recognized multiple times, and accomplished much, hindi pa din kayo masaya... and that's okay. I accept that.

Bata pa lang ako, sanay na ako masisi sa kahit anong misfortune na dumating sa inyo. Para akong salamin na nabasag na hindi ninyo maitapon. When you look at it, you are reminded of how useless and such an eyesore I am, and that's fine.

If I could leave, matagal ko na ginawa. Matagal ko nang pinaplano. Pero pano ako makakaipon kung inuuna ko kayo? Pano ako magkakaroon ng maayos na relationships, kung lagi kayong nagagalit or nagiinterfere. Kesyo hindi nyo type or ayaw ninyo akong mag-boyfriend? Pano ako aalis sa puder ninyo, kung yung mga taong gusto akong kunin ay tinataboy ninyo?

I have suffered great loss quite a few times and I felt no sympathy from you. You reacted as if I lost a sock in the wash--expected and it has no value. Siguro sa inyo? Yung mga taong nawala sa akin played a huge role in my life.

When my fiancé died, it broke my whole world. He wanted me out of the hellhole I'm in. He knew that I was suffering. He set me up with an apartment, a car, and a lot of money after he died but I gave it back because people thought that I was using him for that. Ang importante is naiintindihan nya na nahihirapan ako. At gusto na nya akong ilayo. When he died, pinagalitan n'yo pa ko bakit ako umiiyak sa kwarto. Kinaladkad ako ni papa sa labas, ipapa-barangay daw ako kasi baka gumawa ako ng masama kaya malungkot ako.

I had a person who knew me well enough to save me from how toxic you guys were. When my engagement ring got stolen, kasi lasing na naman si papa. Napagplanuhan at pinasok yung bahay. Ako lang ang nanakawan, ako lang ang nawalan. Tapos nung umiiyak ako, tinanong n'yo ko, "anong gusto mong gawin namin? Ibalik namin? Palitan namin?"

Again, I am not mad, not angry. Just sad. When I lost a child, you told me I deserved it. That it was MY fault. I had nothing. You kicked me out, told me to never return. When you found out the baby died, you told me that "Kaya nangyari yan kasi kasalanan mo. Deserve mo yan."

Each and every one of you wanted me out. And that is fine. I learned to live na nobody wanted me. I was finding places to stay at during Noche Buena because you banned me from all the relatives' houses.

Okay lang naman na hindi ninyo ko sinasali sa family photos. Alam ko naman talaga na hindi ako kasali. But thank you for treating me that way. I've realized that whether it's your blood running through my veins, that isn't a reason for you to treat someone special. You taught me that, you should be proud.

Natututo ako na alagaan sarili ko. Na hindi umasa sa iba. Na hindi magisip ng masama sa ibang tao kasi hindi mo talaga masasabi ugali nila unless you actually know them.

Natuto akong makaranas ng hirap. Alone, depressed, and struggling. There was a time na may pera talaga ako, pero hindi ako nagdalawang isip na tulungan kayo.

You had shopping money, groceries sa S&R pa, at mga hinihiling n'yo binibigay ko. Not because I wanted you to love me, I know no amount of money can make you do that, but I just felt na it's right to share what I have. Nakita ko kasi sa inyo na hindi kayo madamot sa ibang tao, kahit sa akin, ilag kayo.

After all of the sacrifices, the suffering I had to endure just to provide for you, magalit lang kayo sa akin, papalayasin ninyo ako. Sasabihin ninyo na ako ang walang utang na loob.

Sobrang sakit nun para sa akin. I do everything in my power, kahit ubos na ubos na ko just to provide. Wala akong reklamo. Ni sumbat or sermon pag nagbibigay ako. Pina uwi nyo ko after nyo ko palayasin pretending to give a damn na namatayan ako, pero it's because kulang na yung pinapadala kong pera kasi gumagastos ako sa tinitirhan ko.

I am starving myself to feed you. Tiring myself out so you can sleep soundly. Putting myself aside para unahin ko kayo. And still? Masama pa din ako.

When I was in school, I wasn't the type na nakikita ninyong mahilig magbasa. You never understood how I learned so quick and you always thought that I was lazy. You never understood that I had a photographic memory. But I never used that to my advantage. For years, I purposely left out answers, I answered stuff incorrectly, just so I don't take away the spotlight from your golden boy, si kuya.

I was never jealous. But I felt bad because even if I had my achievements, you still focused on his. That's the reason why I always came in second, but never first. Winning was his thing. Nursing was his thing. I had higher grades, but I never took the attention away from him. How could I? If you didn't give that to me in the first place?

My writings got published. My photos were published. You never really gave a damn. Tumanda ako, ganun pa din, I accomplished more. I gave seminars. I had radio guestings. I was doing so much. Pero wala pa din.

You still talk to me and see me with disdain.

When I was in school, I kept on going home late. Both high school, then college. Grad school ko, di ko na sinabi sa inyo kasi wala naman kayong pake.

Instead you focused on figuring out why I went home late palagi. I didn't wanna go home. And I worked. At an early age, I worked. Just because I wanted to get out. I wanted to leave. Nag ipon ako. Pinag aral ko yung sarili ko, kasi tinakwil n'yo na ko.

Tuwing uuwi ako ng bahay, kakaladkarin ako ni papa palabas. Tapos sasabihin ninyo na nagda-drugs ako, dadalhin nyo ko sa barangay. It became repetitive, I remembered repeatedly stabbing my thighs with a gel pen. Sa inis ko sa nangyayari sakin. Sasabunutan mo ko mama. Sasampalin. Ikakalat mo damit ko sa buong bahay.

I had no vices. I had nothing. I was working. I just didn't want to be home.

And during the longest time I was out of the house, I died.

And you guys thought naglayas lang ako. Kinaladkad pa din ako ni papa.

Wala akong bisyo. Wala akong demands. Di ako maluhong tao.

And yet, I'm labeled as "perwisyo".

When people look at me, they look up to me. They sense that I've been through so much. Because of the wisdom I tend to share. They know I'm a good person, because I was always willing to help out.

Alam ko kasi yung feeling ng walang tumutulong sayo.

People think na siguro maganda ang pamumuhay namin. Na suportado ako nang maigi ng magulang ko. They don't know how lonely I really am, even if I am never alone.

When I had that issue in high school, you didn't believe that I was held at gunpoint. You took the side of strangers telling you who I am. Because you really didn't know me. You never really took the time to get to know me. Sinisi mo pa ko nun. A grown man made me strip down naked at gunpoint and you told me, "kasalanan mo yan".

You just think I'm "different". But truly, I was just unheard, unappreciated, and unhappy.

I remember nung binugbog ako ni papa. I was on a business call. He came home, really drunk. I was on a call, and panay ang utos sakin ni papa. "PA PWEDENG SANDALI LANG?" He proceeded na murahin ako. Suntukin. Sabunutan. Buti na lang I was used to punches because of mixed martial arts. I lost a lot of hair. Hinampas pa ko ng monoblock chair at folding table. I scratched his face, his arms. Yun lang yung nagawa ko. I was already on the floor, and he still kept throwing punches.

Wala ka nun, mama. Akila tito ka, at sabi mo lang sakin "pagpasensyahan mo na."

And yung mga kamag anak ni papa, called to check up on him. They even dropped by sa bahay. Checked on his scratches, his bruises, and nobody checked up on me.

Nung binubugbog ako ni papa, yung potential investor ko was on WhatsApp. He blocked me after. He left a message saying, "I don't know what happened but I don't want to be a part of the toxic life you are living in."

I have passed on so many opportunities. Lost opportunities because of you. Because of how toxic my life is with you. Pero hindi ako ma-pride. I could have left, but when you told me that my punishment is providing for both of you, I accepted that whole-heartedly.

What I don't understand is, haven't I done enough?

Mama, papa. Kung alam nyo lang na ipinagdadasal ko every night na sana mamatay na ko, masasabi nyo pa rin bang selfish ako?

I pray to God na sana mamatay na lang ako. So I can make my parents truly happy. Hindi na nila ako problema. If I die, at least isang beses na lang sila magagalit sa akin. If I could kill myself, and bury myself after, I would. If I could.

I never asked for a thank you. Or an I love you. Or an I'm sorry.

All I ask is to stop telling me na wala akong utang na loob.

Kasi hindi n'yo alam yung hirap ko. Hindi n'yo alam.

Kung alam nyo man, makikipag kumpetensya pa kayo na mas nahihirapan kayo sa akin.

Mama, papa. At least kayo may pamilya kayo. Kampihan kayo.

Ako? Wala kayong ginawa kundi itaboy ako.

Masama ang loob ko, oo. Pero hindi ako galit. Why would I be mad about something that I can't change?

If you're reading this, at least, wala na ko. You can be truly happy. Like what you always tell me.

Mama, papa. Sana mapasaya ko kayo. Kahit na never ninyo tinanong kung masaya ba ako.