Sometimes I wonder how things would be different if I’d made different choices. Many times over almost two decades now, I wonder if I should have made a different choice back in mid 2005. Since then while I’ve had some good times, I think back of all the things that have happened and wonder was it all really worth it. Because these last two decades have been some of the most miserable.

I’ve chatted off and on with different people at different times over the years, and some have helped provide something for me to look forward to. Some brief moments of happiness.

I have a house that’s in my name only. But it doesn’t feel like a home to me. Just a place where I keep my things and a place to sleep. And I’ve had to learn how to get by with less sleep than I’d prefer. Because if I didn’t, a lot of things would never get done. Just a constant cycle of stress that I don’t really get that much of a relief from. The number of times sex has been promised or hinted at has been broken that I can’t get excited about it. The layers of double standards.

I put up a facade around my normal friends all the time. Maybe it’s slipped and maybe a few have seen some glimpses here and there, but maybe they haven’t seen enough. I often like to keep my life private. Always been that way my whole life. Some other friends have a bit more of a view of things. I generally prefer to keep it that way unless I actually meet people in person. I’ve had what I feel are strong connections with people I’d want to call my friend. Bu like I said. I’d like to keep it that way until I can meet someone in person and know that there is a greater chance that they will stick around.

Having the work schedule I have doesn’t help either. I’m pretty much isolated from everyone else since when people are out loving their lives and having fun, I’m working. Which is another reason I keep private since I don’t really get to be around people.

It’s interesting that ever since I lost my last horny Reddit account, I’ve been posting more thoughts here than in the 4 years I had the other one. Also, I don’t think people will read through my thoughts here and it is just me putting my thoughts down almost only for myself. I have a feeling I’ll be doing more posts like that when I work some more 3rd shifts at home in the next few weeks.

If by some chance someone reads this and wants to talk more about it, I’d be willing to talk. It’s just that it’s soooo much, it would take quite awhile to cover the grounds of why I’m almost ground down and that’s only at the surface level. The few times I’ve told a very small number more details, it’s always been shock at what I’ve endured. And by how much I’m just ignored.