Welcome back to my journal! If you read the first one, you know this will not come out at any set time frequency. So, because I'm writing now, this means things, most likely sexual, have been on my mind.

If you read the first journal post you will also know I am a bisexual. (I still love writing that out!) And you might realize a lot of bisexuals experience the bi-cycle, where preference for gender changes at some interval. Lat I wrote I was in a decidedly heterosexual mood. For the past few days I've been more homosexual.

I'm so excited to be using the adjective "homosexual" to refer to myself! Years ago I would've been absolutely mortified with any suggestion of me doing anything remotely sexual with a guy. It took years to embrace this desire. Now I'm very eager to start being sexually active with members of the same sex.

Since I've never been with a guy, my fantasies can get quite aggressive! I was concerned about the extremes of my fantasies at one time. I know, to put it simply, a lot of people who have suffered sexual traumas deal with the trauma by consenting to it under controlled conditions. I was concerned my fantasies demonstrated I had suffered something I never addressed directly or was even vaguely aware of. But many kind and helpful folks on the Internet assured me this nature of fantasies are common with those who have had bad experiences, but also with those who have had relatively none. I was relieved to realize my zeal, if you will, was not from trying to cope, but from the eagerness to experience homosexuality.

There I go again. Me. Homosexual. It feels so liberating! But I digress.

My main fantasy lately involves me getting gangbanged. I picture some kind of initiation. I don't really know the nature of this other than reducing me to a subservient sex object and involving some form of CMNM, maybe with the exception of thigh highs or other feminine wear that isn't in the way, if you know what I mean, or a collar and leash. I want to lose my will, my identity. I want to be fuckmeat whose only purpose, whose only source of happiness and satisfaction is offering myself for the pleasure of horny men and their whims. I want a dick inside my body somewhere at all times. I want to be fucked, hard! I want to be put in fingercuffs. I want to be called names. I want degrading words written all over me. When I don't have a dick in my mouth, I want to be gagged. I want to be blindfolded and wear earplugs for part of this. I want to be tied up and spanked. I want cum all over me and inside me. I want to swallow a lot too. Cum cum cum! I want to be loosened up so much that night that I take two dicks in my ass. I want to be made to admit things which up until that time I would never think to admit.

At the end I'm looking for catharsis. Here the fantasy forks off and I don't know which version I prefer. Each one has its particular appeal.

One version has me unceremoniously thrown out of the room when the guys are satisfied and done using me. It takes me awhile to realize this has happened. When I become aware of the weight of the just past extreme activity, I cry my eyes out in a hidden corner, get home and rest, shedding some tears here and there throughout the day.

In the other version, when all is said and done, everyone but myself and one guy leaves. This guy tells me he's proud of me going through so much effort. He embraces me and I break down emotionally. He takes me to the shower and bathes me. We lie down in bed where we cuddle and share kisses. He reassures me until we fall asleep. When we awake he reassures me again then makes love to me.

I don't know how my first gangbang will go. I'm not sure I will want to participate more than once, or maybe I'll take the role of banger in one. I do realize once things start happening it will be difficult to stop, so I better get used to the idea of losing control and letting things happen to me.

But I'm also acutely aware you only live once. I'd much rather say on my deathbed I got gangbanged and hated it, than I'm going to die not ever knowing what it can be like.

I don't think I will hate it though.