Upon responding to another journal here and becoming Reddit friends with the owner of that journal, I've been thinking about writing a journal of my own. Thanks for the inspiration!

This journaling will probably mostly deal with issues of sexuality, romance, love and similar, since that's kind of the purpose of me being on Reddit. So it might be explicit, and probably will, but the purpose is to be clear and frank, not sensationalize or be ribald.

But times change and so do people so the future will show how this evolves.

I don't have a set schedule in writing these. It could be months in between, or one after another for all we know. I'll write whenever I'm driven to, like now.

In keeping with the intended spirit, I'll start with my sexual mood lately. As you may know, I am a bisexual. I've been at the heterosexual end of my bi-cycle lately. I crave the company of a female like you wouldn't believe. And the desire is not strongly sexual either. (Buty I'm willing to bet enough time basking in this closeness, a fire would be burning in our loins.) I long to see a lady's face and look deeply and comfortably in her eyes. I want to feel my arms around a wonderfully curvy body, different from mine, her breasts on me. This is much better in the nude, but I'm telling you, even fully clothed I would feel those beautiful curves and realize the grace I'd be experiencing. Mmm those curves. And her scent. God dammit, that would be enough to drive me to blissful madness. Here is a profound closeness I do not crave or fantasize about with members of the same sex. The sacrifice of foregoing homosexual pleasures would be willingly made for this blessing.

But it will never be. For years, decades, this blessing has eluded me. Consistently. By my age I should be celebrating major anniversaries and thinking about what choices my children are making for their adulthood. As it is a handshake is about all I can ever expect from a female.

I'm not a bum. I am a responsible adult capable of committing to long term decisions. I'm doing well supporting myself otherwise. I'm pretty creative in my approach to life sometimes. I certainly have the craving. I'm not even all that ugly.

Yet I'm firmly convinced I don't have what it takes to attract the attention of a lady for any significant amount of time. Some have even been interested, yet I couldn't keep them interested before anything happened. I'm simply not desirable. Years and years of loneliness and consistently failed attempts have substantiated this. I will never know that happiness.

I'm not looking for encouragement or other help. I have accepted the situation is hopeless. It's best not to bring up hope with me. You will fail. I will fail. It's best for me to move on and concentrate on things I can accomplish.