tw: not my direct experience but the text contains sexual themes, abuse, etc.

i hope this isn't too much of an unpopular stand/feeling kasi i have no energy to explain and argue. let me say this, it's not just men. but because im a woman, ill focus on my experiences.

i just know too much.

let's start with my dad. may ka-i miss you-han dad ko na co-worker niya. miss girl frequents our house too to hang out and drink with my dad, mostly one on one, sometimes with other co-workers.while my mom works away from home. she pretends to not care.

this is the 2nd time we learned of our dad's micro-cheating (or is it micro? idk).

i'm not new to these kinds of things. my mom experienced a pasimpleng panghihipo from a cousin of my dad.

i think the internet also prepared me enough to not trust or expect too much from people (or men, in this case) easily. it's just that this year, i've been constantly reminded of how ready and willing people are to hurt, lie and betray you.

nearly every day, may posts dito about their partners cheating (kahit buntis yung partner, o sobrang tagal na, kahit magkalive in na, kasal na or ikakasal pa lang), about weaponized incompetence, about men sa alasjuicy lusting after their gf's sister/mom or whatever, them being deliberately inconsiderate, expecting the woman to serve them, controlling our body, being dismissive, etc.

it gets harder to ignore those things especially after i interned on a psychological clinic for children. i knew child sexual abuse happen. i knew that 90% of their abusers will be someone they trusted and knew. alam ko rin that oftentimes, it's their "mabait na tito", kuya, stepfather, o tatay pa talaga. tapos wala ding ginagawa yung nanay. idk but i guess i just didn't think how often it happens.

i read psych reports, testimonies, police documents and files from dswd detailing the abuses and the context around it. i listened to real stories of how children creatively reveal their darkest experiences to their therapists when they didn't have the best words and fully developed brains to grasp and describe what they went through.

i've watched kara david's recent documentary too about a similar topic.

when you know things, it's harder to ignore these issues and trust people. rationally, i know there are good men out there. but also reasonably, i have to ask, how do i know they don't magically turn like the men i mentioned above? like the men i am surrounded with? like the men i read about? like the men in the news? i can be completely blindsided like most women are.

do i just pray that this person i have let into my life do not just decide one day to hurt me and the closest to me? do i just trust? how am i sure they're different? how am i sure i won't be hurting the people i love by introducing another person into our life?

it makes me want to punish myself for being attracted to men. it makes me wonder why, as units of society, we let these things happen.