The last several months, and even still now, I have been a fraction of myself. Occasionally I’m closer to my whole self than others, but I have been a fraction of myself lately. I have had 0 interest in anything. I don’t want to read, I don’t want to play games, I’ve been anti-social. Many days I sit there and just play on my phone, which isn’t a me thing to do. I have no motivation to do anything. I clean enough, but I don’t actually clean. I work, but I don’t put effort into it. And I put “just enough” effort into my relationships, be it romantic or friendship, because it’s all the energy I have. I have been splitting the limited energy I DO have to try and do the things I HAVE to do, and for now that has to be OK because I have nothing more to give.

It’s no secret I struggle with depression and anxiety. And at the beginning of COVID, I was doing very, VERY well with my depression and anxiety. Realistically through most of my lockdown, I’ve been doing fine. The biggest issue I found was some of my co-dependency issues returning. I was home all day with no direction, and no schedule (note to self: if this happens again MAKE A SCHEDULE. STICK TO IT.) My nesting partner was working all day, every day. Towards the end of my work’s shut down, I found myself not wanting to give up the precious time I had with my nesting partner… even though prior I wouldn’t think twice about it. In the before years, I’d readily travel or go away for the weekends or leave the house for hours at a time without my nesting partner when we were both working. But once I stopped working, I found that on the weekends when I could spend time with him, I didn’t even want to go outside in the yard without him for even an hour to do yard work. Talk about ridiculous. But it was how it became. It was a struggle for me.

Now that I’m back to work, those issues are better. I don’t mind doing things outside, or getting alone time, or doing my own thing without him (even though neither of us are leaving the house aside for work and grocery store visits.) Which not leaving the house isn’t a bother, either. I like my house. I’m happy there. What I don’t like though is the unknown of when I can safely see my parents again. When I can see my girlfriend again. When I can safely visit friends, without risking those around me. I may not be high risk (which arguably I am slightly being asthmatic and fat,) but I work around several who are high risk, and I do not want to risk catching and infecting someone else. I do not want to be the one who spreads the virus to others who may not survive. I saw one of the best things over the weekend, “I isolate now so that the next time we gather, we may all be there.” Which is true, but it also just sucks in general because it’s been over a year since I’ve seen my parents. Plus, part of nesting partners family is guilting us for not wanting to get together – we’re not getting together with anyone. On top of that, though, his family is not taking the virus seriously and would be willing to risk us and risk getting us sick. So not only are they willing to risk us, but they also aren’t taking our concerns seriously which makes me feel as though they don’t respect us.

All of that is just one layer of the issue… Let’s layer on the racial stress and strain, along with the LGBTQ equality/equity that’s being revoked and… the first thing I think when I hear these statements and revoking shouldn’t have to be “Thank God I pass” (as a cis gendered heterosexual because I am anything but a cis gendered heterosexual.) It’s petrifying to me, for the community, what my friends may have to deal with going forward, and the stressors they are currently facing… All I can do is continue to fight for their rights. I’m lucky that I’ve never had to deal with the discrimination that many, many others in the LGBTQ community face… but my friends have, and it’s for them I fight. Just because I haven’t experienced it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.

Then there’s the election stress. I have never been part of a more tumultuous cycle. There has never been more stress for me checking any news sources or logging onto social media. I dislike politics because I hate the fighting. I hate the name calling. I hate the bashing. I don’t mind a debate when people are actually willing to listen to the other side. But with politics I feel like 99% of the time it’s people just yelling and screaming and being unwilling to listen to the other side ever. Open mouth, shut ears. People just get louder and louder which shows they aren’t listening. And I can’t handle the stress. I have major fears going into the election tomorrow to the point I’ve removed social media from my phone to help stop the doom scrolling. I do have my fears over who wins. But those fears over who wins are currently less than my fears of what’s going to happen with the supporters of the winner and the loser; how the supporters are going to react. Stores have been boarding up their windows since the weekend in a few major cities because they have their fears of what will happen and if things turn violent. I hope to God we’re all wrong and it doesn’t turn violent, but it is a very, very real fear. I cannot remember a time of a more turbulent election in my life cycle.

I of course have my preference to who wins this cycle. And I have my fears if the person I want in doesn’t win. But those fears are only partial to what I’m dealing with.