Thank fucking God. Not like I didn't expect it, but something about your religious fuckbuddy saying "I'm worried you might be pregnant", even with relatively good pull-out game, is kinda scary. Like nigga what made you assume that? Who told you that? GOD? DID GOD TELL YOU I WAS PREGNAN-

But no, I'm not. I think he suspected I was pregnant due to my irritability the week before or so. And it's like..... No, sir, I get irritable around you in general. I even actually thoroughly explained to him "Sorry, just had a series of massive disappointments and anxiety this week and it's making me project onto you, because I'm probably using you as a sole source of joy when I shouldn't, so any rejection or slight disappointment is rendered in my brain as 4x as worse than it actually is, and that isn't fair to you. I just need to focus more on being happy by myself and prioritizing my own hobbies and interests more, and I'm sorry."

Relatively solid explanation, right? Like getting your hair fucked up by an incompetent braider, bullshit with your girl bestie, job annoyances and other things already sucking, and then a 'crush' you had been missing so heavily ontop of that turning down plans to meet would explain crabby behavior, right?

Nope! Thought I was preggers anyway.

Then again, this is the same guy who was worried I was gonna get pregnant immediately after anal sex, so......... Maybe he's just easily paranoid. I like him because of his pretty dark brown eyes that look like he has entirely no thoughts running through his head whatsoever, and lots of other factors. And honestly, I think that sums up a big portion of his personality! He doesn't think, he just does.

He just likes to do impulsive things based on whatever he feels might bring him desire in the moment. Explains the whole "I gotta ask her out on a date. She likes that! I like when she's happy. Do I wanna do the date? Fuck no. Staying home and texting her cancelled plans makes me happy. Damn, she's on a date with someone else? That makes me upset. Asking her to fuck me instead, immediately after, makes me happy."

You'd think that a guy who doesn't wanna get me pregnant would not roleplay a breeding kink/baby trapping scenarios so often, right?>! And that a guy who doesn't enjoy cheating wouldn't, yknow..... do it? Or find a way to try to add it to sex in the form of a roleplay whenever possible? !<

Feeling okay in general though, pissed since it throws a wrench in some plans of mine. I have a date this week, with a cute girl! Who's fun as hell to talk to! And I was really hoping that the night might end with her being able to take my bra off with my teeth and give me the hottest experience ever.

BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOO. No. Menstruation.

I should be on my 4th day of my period at least by then.

And guess it'll be three weeks without seeing my fuckbuddy! Which is fine. I don't really wanna see him, especially now that I'm actually realizing the gravity of a few things.

Its easy as hell to plan a date. He could've, at any time. Did he? No. Half a year. Nada. Just cancelled plans or rejections while feeling entitled to some sort of monogamy is gross. I get it, he was broken up with by a girl he supposedly loved, (going raw with me and telling me hypothetical fantasies about having me as his wife in multiple sex fantasies is a weird way to show your then-girlfriend that you like her, my dude,)but just.......... the fuck?

I'd simply just never agree to dates in the first place. And it's funny, he still kept doing dipshit things or rejecting dates, while still seething at me going to Japantown or for dinner with others! Or fucking others! He's so fucking lame.

Cause here I am, happily looking for happy hours to attend or events to take my cute round hipped baddie out to, and I'm just like "And it's that easy. Wow." Or her actively showing enthusiasm and genuinely letting me know how badly she wants to meet me, for DATE PLANS. And BONDING. Not weird shit, like saying how badly she wants to meet me so she can eat my pussy, (although that would be nice,) it's just! To bond! And laugh! And how we're gonna get cute for eachother, so now I can actually enjoy the experience of making a girl blush using my big massive bahoogas and amazing personality!

My 'fuckbuddy', the guy, mentioned couples swinging to me. Hot idea, yes? Yeah. Fucking some married dude consensually in front of his wife sounds pleasant, especially if she's into that. Or hell, just being fucked by the cute friends of the guy I find cute as they gloat over how hot I am is an already pre-existing fantasy of mine. Watching people fuck sounds hot. Or even just two dudes watching me with a girl sounds hot.

Could I probably do it with him right now? No. Back when I thought he was barely attractive and whatnot and had zero interest in him, sure.

And now, I can't. I think the simple explanation of 'I masturbated to the idea of it but instantly broke down in choked up sobs once I orgasmed, and that seems like a bad omen, period hormones or not' is valid. It's so amusing! Just last week I was enraged hearing about him lying of fucking someone else, and felt a simultaneous disgust and arousal, picturing him doink someone else and make her cum like he makes me cum; or dare I say, even better.

Still didn't change my reality or mindset from "He's still wack as fuck and I'm never talking to him again."

Reality is different than porn! If one saw my porn history on those weird fucking 3am nights or late afternoons, you'd assume so much incorrectly about where my morals align irl!

And its also amusing, considering how jealous my fuckbuddy has been surrounding me in general. Oh, so just yesterday you were all "Don't try to fuck my friends!!", all because I mention a spare movie ticket I didn't wanna waste and asking if you had anyone around availlable, but ohhhhhh, suddenly you're unattached enough to want to watch your male friends have their way with me as you fuck someone else? Eh, press X to Doubt.

So between that kinda proving the whole 'seen as a sex object' thing, me coping with how they'll most likely never actually put in any real effort, my date with the cute girl, my lack of interest in sex even more lately, and also just not wanting STDs and preferring to keep my streak of not doinking him going.... Yeah, I'm not very interested. Any real interest in our sleepover plans are kinda dead, it just seems like an unnecessary attachment in general.

So my period coming was convenient, since otherwise I'd.... actually no, I'd still turn them down out of fear of STDs or just not wanting a real attachment to them that way.

Even the one thing I always asked for before, consistency, was never maintained. I get the feeling that if the friend group didn't require him to have a partner to fuck their wives, that he'd do it behind my back and not tell me... And hell, just playing in my face isn't cute.

I can survive on memories alone, the sex doesn't need to be had again. He's at best manipulative and at worst, r-worded.

The way he can keep conveniently forgetting the whole 'she's repeatedly said she's had feelings for me' thing with anything he does.

Like being a slut for me and seeing me as disposal sex is fine, but don't be the 'please see only me please hold me and cuddle me kiss me say you love me during sex and tell me how much you need me' type needy. If genders were reversed, he'd look psychopathic and desperate, right? Ha, and I'd look lame and pathetic, if I were AMAB and some simp, and he'd be the psycho chick demanding my attention and affections while also not wanting me. But, giving eachother bomb sex so we stick around either way. (Oddly enough, have fantasized about that too. His SnapChat genderswapped selfie was hot, what can I say? It looked like my old pawg boss who i had a crush on.)

It's kinda weird and inconsistent, and idk, with the extra context of me explaining before that I can't 'pretend' shit like that if I already have feelings, and their inability to date... this is all just so weird to me. I don't wanna do a sleepover, since 1) he already said he can't do those unless it's someone he's dating, and 2) I'm not interested in anything that can make things even worse.

I can't be mad at him for trying his luck and asking, that's fine.

I think I just have more than a 'no' to say.

Anyway, I'm gonna go watch porn or masturbate to the weird genderswap fantasy again. Ttyl, peace out yalls. Bye. :D