Not me going "His following went up by two! That fucking slut, how dare he!", just for me to forget I've blocked two of his friends, and that his following count is exactly the same as before.

Then already preparing to block and have my own little moment, as if i don't have date plans of my own this week.

Like, bitch, you literally were talking to two people earlier yourself! Geeking over two pretty girls! Calm your ass down please!

At least I'm the problem sometimes! There's a value in knowing that both of us are the problems.

He's the problem in the sense of "Please be with me and only me! Please! I want you! Except I'm not going to go on any real dates with you, even ones I plan, and inherently just crave sex and validation from you. How dare you go on a date with another man! Even if I'll never fully take you on one, I can at least pretend I will SUPER hard before immediately losing interest the second you give me any sort of attention again" type of loserness, yknow?

And I'm a new problem than I was 4 months ago, since its gone from "psychotic breakdown and constantly melting down in hysterics" to "I'm actively meeting new people but how fucking dare he even have a 0000.01% chance of seeing someone else". But even then, I'm chilling out. Just blocking and moving on if I feel it's super bad. Why? Since I have no use for stress and last Monday, even with the reveal that he lied about seeing someone else to make me jealous, had helped.

Then again, I probably trip over the odds of him seeing someone else, since:

• I don't want an STD, and he doesn't have insurance.
• when I was unknowingly a side chick, he was out here busting loads in me while having an entire girlfriend, so..... idk, doesnt really give the vibe of someone to trust entirely if he can do someone he loves dirty like that. If he can look the woman he loves in the face and say he's not cheating/not gonna cheat on her again, and then can make plans with me in secret to fuck me raw and nut inside of me, how do you think he'd treat me, a nb bitch that he wants to be liked by but doesn't dig like that?
• he lies over even small things, so, big things? Like saying he's only known his friends since college. Just for them to be lifelong elementary and middle school decade long friendships. Or how he did that weird surreal strange hypothetical "Should I be honest with my therapist?", schtick, AND HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A THERAPIST! BRO! Like, I still care for dude despite all this, but.... whew. Just. Whew. Man. What the fuck is up with that.
• Of course if a man keeps refusing to see others even when i BEG HIM TO so that he LEAVES MY LIFE, and doesn't, and only starts bothering when I actively like him.... yeah that'd make anyone recoil in disgust hard.
• Putting a ton of effort into seeming only interested in me, just to doink someone else, is lame. Not saying he can't, but like... consistency bro. But I don't think consistency is his thing either, considering the whole "asking me out at 2am, saying he will scoop me up at 8:30am for some romantic breakfast date, then cue 9:10am he's not arrived and asking if we can fuck" type shit, that really ruined the chances he had with me.

"If he ruined the chances he had with you and your interest is dwindling, then why are you still entertaining him?" Eh, a vague curiosity.

I could probably go even longer without sex with him or speaking to him. Honestly, ever since last Monday where I blocked him for like two days, and considering it'll be almost two weeks without fucking him (iirc), it's been really nice to spend time alone. Like, yeah, I went out to the beach, had a nice little shopping spree, took on a paid recording gig, enjoyed a nice book, ate good ass food, enjoyed my own writing and music tastes, have been saying shit that's been making me laugh all week, stopped worrying about male gaze type shit and just kinda embracing the sexy hot mess journey of self discovery, yknow?

Feels real good. So of course, if you're out here enjoying non-feminine aesthetics, flirting with cute girls and practicing your rizz, and just enjoying the pleasant joy of good ass italian food and sunsets and friendly shopkeeps and more that life has to offer...

Well, then sitting inside of that tight cramped space is not nearly as amazing and dazzling.

Releasing attachments has felt nice. Now it's a "Either it will or it won't, and it probably won't, so just don't bother" mindset. Why stress or look forward to meetups and days to hang, if those days have often never came, or just were lackluster or boring or disappointing and sad and enraging at times?

And I like dating myself! Being celibate, raising my standards, feeling good. And truly, once you treat yourself with a certain modicum of treatment, it really is hard for you to see a person who can't do what you can even do for yourself, or others, as interesting at all.

If I can take myself to a happy hour, buy myself all my favorite foods for cheap, enjoy a nice scenic public space, grab dessert, then have a glamorous ol' time, then... why would I need you?

Then its like "Huh, a shame that I was relying on him for my own joy, when I really could've just done all this nice shit solo by myself and had a blast all by myself."

Makes a man look like a little bitch.

Also, this one girl I met and have been talking to seems really nice. Friendly, reciprocates energy. Reacts enthusiastically to date plans. Really nice hair, curvy, and actively thinks I'm hot! Wants to get dolled up for me!

So I'm really fucking excited. I wanna get all hot and sexy for her! I have no idea who is the masc one in the potential duo, (seemingly both femmes but I'd wanna be the more chivalrous one) and I just look forward to actually fully thrive in my date planning energy and show a girl a nice time! Get dolled up for the right person and show off and have an excellent time, yknow?

Which even moreso adds to the "any dude who can't do this for me is lame, since hell, even I'm able to treat a girl to a nice time without demolishing my entire bank account." It's all about the effort, I say.

Anyway, just a little positive life update. I'm extremely looking forward to this week. I plan to grocery shop, maybe buy myself some new pink and white roses I saw in the store yesterday; gonna see about a nice comedy club date. It's a shame, I haven't felt excitement for an actual *date* date in forever. Like, lord. Even the ones with my ex boyfriend, (who I no longer talk to,) didn't exactly excite me. They felt more like fun fuckbuddy hangouts, not some new person to get excited for and learn more about.

She seems pretty, educated, smart, and like an excellent flirt. I look forward to things. Cheers