I kinda realized that I really dislike my homegirl.

Also, hello everyone. To whoever is reading this that isn't a bot, I hope you're having a lovely and excellent day.

Like, multiple of them. I found my 'closest' friend to be actually kinda nauseating to be around, which is hysterical, since aren't you supposed to like your friends?

I was looking at comedy clubs in the area and right as I thought "I should bring (my friend)!", I had an instinct reaction to that, reminiscent of... hard to explain? That sharp throat reflex for when you're about to vomit? How one would react if their hair was pulled RIDICULOUSLY hard and they were seething and wincing in sharp pain? The way a child might react to biting into a lemon and simultaneously getting squirted in the eye with it?

That way.

I actually have a list of all she does that pisses me off:

• In a movie theater, she's one of those people that likes to talk during movies. Never anything interesting, just shit that could easily be held in. Like leaning over dramatically and repeatedly going "WHY is he DOING THATTTTT? Liiiiike?".... I don't know, bitch, let's watch the movie and find out. I can't fucking watch the movie if you're leaning over every five to fifteen minutes to (quite LOUDLY) give some short yet long stretched out, milquetoast quip that wouldn't even get a fucking sympathetic pity Twitter like from a family friend or an online simp. I love her, I do, but she doesn't know how to whisper, like... bro.
• Same for comedy clubs. Like, the type that feels what she has to say is so important that I *need* to scooch over and lean in every time she has the world's fucking blandest sentence to say. Like imagine you're watching a standup comedian, and she's talking so fucking loud to you that you 1) miss out on HELLA jokes, 2) nothing she says is ever more than a 'this dude is craaaazy haha, and i think hes like, a new comedian right? i think he needs to work on his act. he seems rusty/white haha', 3) is probably disturbing others as well, like the crowd, or the comedian. Like, if I wanted to pay for overpriced alcohol and hear you talk, I'd be at your apartment, not dressed up at some club, you know?
• The type of person to try to remove brownies from a hot tray before they've cooled down with a FUCKING F O R K, instead of one of her many spatulas. Shoutout to all the brownies that I ate, in shapes I don't even have names for. Some trapezoid, some monstrosities... I don't know, there's a specific simmering rage that comes with "i spent so much time trying to make these brownies come out nice and her dumbass found a way to butcher them so horrifically, and will pass me a crumbling oblong trapezoi-rectan-idontevenknowwhatthefucktocallthat -shaped brownie with zero care in the world. I don't know, it felt similar to how you'd feel if you made a lasagna and your friend decided to cut into the first layer of cheese and noodles then put it on your plate, and then the feta and cheese on another section of your plate, then the sauce, then the meat, and just... found a way to dismantle and de-stack your lasagna right in front of you, and put all the seperated layers on your plate seperated, charcuterie-style, with a smile, and not... see what was wrong with that. (I also forgot to mention, her dumbass tried to cut the brownies as they were still in the oven. I get what she was trying to do, and it backfired, but.... girl, how did you find a way to fuck up cutting brownies with PRE-MADE GRID LINES ON THE BROWNIES FOR HOW TO CUT THEM? ALSO WHY NOT USE A KNIFE-)
• Finds a way to make me feel like my spiritual journey isn't enough. Like, no maam, I don't know all the orishas, I don't know how to pronounce Papa Legba, and plenty more shit. No, I don't have an ancestral altar. Yes, I do still have everything I want. Deal with it.
• Finds a way to call anything cultural appropriation. Like maam, a corner store of Egyptian/Middle Eastern people, selling 'money drawing incense' is a bit of a reach to call cultural appropriation, almost every culture has a prosperity and money drawing ritual or candle type spell. Yes, bellydancing also happens in Africa. Yes, so does henna. Shut the fuck up and let people live, goodness gracious.
• Wanted me to pay for something we'd be sharing, entirely by myself. I'm not paying for a family sized lasagna that we'd be splitting by myself?
• Doing the whole 'why does he do that' trope over her obviously verbally abusive and borderline psychopathic man-whos-not-her-man. Like, I'm self aware enough by now to know that I'm a dumbass, (or was, since my interest in my fb is dwindling rapidly,) but she doesn't even wanna admit she's a fool. Me? I never hesitate to say that I was acting like a clown in a circus act by entertaining the fool that I have. She? Oh, suddenly it's eeeeeeeeeeeeevery excuse in the book for the blatant womanizer she's got her hands on. "I know he lied to me about how he'd stop seeing other women, and how he'd only do anal sex with me and no one else, and also has given me multiple STDs, and never has ever stopped manipulating or hurting me emotionally no matter what, BUT if I say not to see someone else in the same week I see him, he'll do it!" Sure, Jan. Plus I don't know, it's been five years and he still hasn't dated you. I get it, strong buff guy who is down to buy you whatever on dates, I can respect that. But like.... he's not your only option. Then again, my type is nerdy twinks and/or a versatile range of 'nerdy but endearing', and yet here I am, still... settling for This Fuckin Guy that I've been seeing. Lord, we both have to do better.
• The type of person to talk over the show you're showing her for the very first time, then get mad at you for rewinding to hear what was said. And the type to ask, the entire episode through, for you to tell her the ending/the big reveal.
• The type of person to hear you say something, then either 1) repeat exactly back what you said, but as if it was her idea, or 2) entirely say something obvious. Like for example, I could say "I talked to my roommate about not leaving spills to crust on the inside of the microwave, but no amount of talks has saved anything. All three of us could have a discussion about it ALL YEAR and still get no results." She's the type to reply "Hopefully you all can have a conversation around it soon! Yknow, talking helps things out!" Bitch, shut the fuck up. Or the type to hear you say something, then go "Nooooo, I'm saying like (repeats exactly what I said), you get what I mean?" It got so annoying that I just pretended I was sprinting for the bus in our last phone call to have an excuse to hang up. Did I actually just jog in place and slam my bedroom door a bunch while making huffing noises? Sure did! Why? Because I fucking hate talking to them, despite also admiring them as a person.

I actually have a list of things I can already picture ripping my eardrums and tongue out, at the exact same time, about if she mentions any of these things to me one more fucking time:

• orishas/orisias (shes on a spiritual journey, and while i love and support it, very frustrated)
• about how she cant do her spiritual journey unless she buys a million items first (girl- i mean, ok bestie)
• her "man" and casually something horrific he continues to do or has done (been there tho)
• "why is he like that" YOU KNOW WHY
• curl formers (will not shut the fuck up about me letting her do my hair, when's she gonna realize that, no offense to her, that i do not want to step outside with what she does to her own hair?)
• how i should work with her at the strip club/escort (bestie if im already covid conscious and hate alcohol, loud environments, showing skin and annoying men, why the fuck would you think id enjoy any of that shit? for fucks sake, if i touch a dime then my day is ruined, and you think id... want random men staring at me as they tossed filthy dollar bills on my body? shoutout to those who do it and love it, but my autistic ass would rather lick rusty scissors probably.)
• will ignore any messages where I try to initiate a conversation by sending me 20 memes. Several times (iirc) has missed out on plans thanks to her doing that. And, just makes me not want to bother. Like hey bestie ily girl, but you cant go "Ooh id love to go!" about ice cream and the arcade 2 days past the plans!

I think at the root of it, I think that I'm just sort of over other people's energy. Like, hell, this long ass list of things my homegirl has done always flashes to the back of my mind any time I consider plans with her, followed by how almost every time I've seen her lately, I've had to exit meetups due to either a migraine or dealt with sickness (a weird mental sickness, or a body fatigue,) and self-doubt over her for DAYS because of her bullshit.

And I think I'm just releasing myself of the urge to be around others now, thankfully. Since it's happening with everyone. My ex, I like them, but they're predictable and not very interesting to me. My fuckbuddy is pretty and has the occasional rizz, or retort, but well, they're.... a reason for therapy. Hell, we saw eachother tonight and aside from me finding his fine ass attractive, there was zero chemistry, conversation, or interest. It's actually made me really uninterested in him as a whole, since I can get the same result from looking at a photo of him as I do talking with him; silence, but with a nice view either way.

I just like my own solace more, and I guess it helps that the people in my life are showing me how uninteresting and boring they are, or how fucking stupid and ridiculous they are, around the same time. Since then, it's making life way more easy, in terms of doing things for me regardless of if anyone else agrees, staying on my own path, etc.

I finally got paid too, which helps, since it makes any man in my life look a lot worse. "Yeah you're cool and all, but I can afford to take two people, myself and someone lovely, on a date... can you? Matter of fact, even if you could, you wouldn't, how gross. Carry on", or "Eh, I can buy this myself. Do I really need you?", or "Do I want sex, or do I just want stimulation? Instead of having sex with that guy who's bad for you, why not just go to a cool movie or a fancy dinner asap and enjoy yourself?"

So I'm excitedly planning the next steps in my lovely life journey so far. Feeling good! God bless and amen. Peace out yalls, bye. Cya. :D