I'm in that weird "Had caffeine, and would sleep, but I don't want to sleep and physically can't, and I have too much of a mental headache to think about today, as well as about anything outside of that as well."

So, what is there to do when you don't want to sleep, don't want to move, and don't want to think?

You die.

Do I want to die? Yes. Am I going to? Yes, one day. Let's just wait and see how many days it takes. Could be one, could be three thousand nine hundred and eighty six days, could be six million days.

That's the part we wait for.

Plus I don't wanna say what I did, but let's just say, the substance all over my legs that splattered has ruined whatever silky soft fresh shower feeling I had, and has now made me.... well, need another shower. What a waste of good body oil and perfume and skincare today was, my friends.

Ah yes, my bad for assuming someone actually wanted to be friends with me, because they told me. Yet another humorous life lesson that inspires me moreso to end my life than try continuing things with anyone.

But I've had that happen before and learned that lesson already, I just wanted to see if my burst of optimism this time was rooted in reality. It seemed to be.

And then it wasn't.

He once before said he was sorry that he ever met me; supposedly not as an insult to me, but because he genuinely felt bad for coming into my life. I wouldn't be shocked if I said that to him in a voice message once before, but frankly, my immediate reaction was to say that he shouldn't say something like that, since he probably did benefit my life in positive ways. "Not like any are immediately coming to mind, but... yknow."

He has done good things in my life, whether he acknowledges it or not. And whether I'd like to villify him (rightfully so, since goddamn it, BITCH, how many blatant red flags are you going to ignore sweetie he's straight up saying he's never going to fucking improve,) he's done nice things.

I'd probably have freaked out 20x harder over my relationship breakup with my ex if I didn't have him as an even worse bond/as someone to fuck, cuddle, or vibe with to take my mind off of my ex boyfriend back then. I'd probably be going nuclear on his family if not for my ex-fuckbuddy, being there to break my back in, give me a massage after, then give me pleasant conversation between drives followed by a nice warm hug with his strong sexy ass motherfucking shoulders. I'm not even a shoulders person, but... Damn, nigga, DAMN. Fine as hell. Fuck.

The times he showed up, or didn't, to meetups still resulted in me showering, cleaning my teeth, and getting my apartment together. And I guess even his ghosting lead to the scars and marks on my back healing up due to my body oiling routine, paired with my face skin getting more glowy each time, so. Wow, even my leg scars are healing up. That's nice as hell.

He's done fucked up things that resulted in good. Kinda like how another different fuckbuddy (who is like my current ex-fuckbuddy, but actually has the ability to apologize, more empathy, and pleasant decency,) managed to fuck me up so bad mentally that it shifted my mindset from men into "Use men for money" territory, right before I met some rich now-ex of mine.

And like that ex-fuckbuddy, the most recent disappointing fuckbuddy was the guy who managed to turn my mindset from men into "I don't even want much from a man at this point, I just want someone I can rely on like a friend, I just want someone to talk to and sit with me in places so I'm not fucking alone anymore. I don't want the bare minimum, I want just someone who can like me and be consistent about it. They don't have to be much, just present and sweet to me."

Then I met my most recent ex-boyfriend, and had a wonderful year long relationship, since I knew they were what I wanted off the bat. If my ex-fuckbuddy didn't mess me up mentally with the inconsistent behavior and bullshit, then I might've ended up dating them before they realized they were a sex addict, cheat, liar, etc etc...

And then that'd be a bad path for both people.

A homicidal chick who was on the edge back then that needed just one more toxic encounter to cause her to start looking for deserted places that can fit 6 ft deep, 6 foot wide holes for awful people, and a prettyboy with tendencies to destroy women emotionally, imagine that horrible combo. I didn't need that! I needed to experience the loving warmth of a family, holidays, romantic outings and chivalry with an amazing man who saw my worth and made sure I knew it! And my ex-fuckbuddy needed therapy, more bullshit sex that left him unsatisfied before he realized his dilemma, and Sex Addicts Anonymous.

I really had high hopes this time around, because of their yet again pathetic attempt of blowing up my devices with notifications trying to beg me to stick around. Lord, for someone with supposedly only one woman in their life, they sure act like they've got a thousand on standby. Wouldn't be shocked if they were lying about that either. They're known to lie, and right as I thought they did an impressive streak of no longer lying... They lied.

I was gonna try and surprise them for their 12 day no porn streak, but fuck them.

I wasn't seen as worth honesty, words, or more. Excluding the comedy show, they only saw me as worth words at 4am to cancel our date, instead of any other reasonable time sooner, like a chump. And for the comedy show incident, they tried to send me right back into 'uncared for fuckbuddy' territory, with their little bitch ass. Didn't see me worth a reschedule back then. Oh, how funny of me to think anything different could ever be expected from them.

A tiger can't change its stripes, even if it shaves its body, paints over them, or dyes itself. It's still, at core, a striped animal. And my ex-fuckbuddy, no matter what, will always be the type of guy to historically have a woman/AFAB person in their life, and no matter how much love or care was there, they still never hesitated to dog them out and embarrass them. Not worth shit, not even a tear. Not worth an orgasm, or anything. Just.... lame.

An embarrassment. So bad. A friend hangout was a very optimistic chance, and look at how that went. At worst, they planned from the jump to never show up so that they could hurt me and force me out their life. At best, they got cold feet, depressed, or some other shit that they could've communicated, and didn't, showing me that they're at an entirely different life stage than me, and I can't have a 'friend' like that in my life, no matter how things can go, due to how things have historically went.

I'm gonna keep using my space heater despite it only worsening my headache, since the warm is comforting. Ha, a hilarious comparison to why I kept my fuckbuddy around. Since yeah they're a harmful piece of shit, intentionally or not, but they still were a little bit of warm or hotness when I needed it, and were a source of comfort even though also being a source of pain.

Finally turned the heater off, maybe an hour into writing this, since the migraines weren't worth the comfort. Huh, symbolic and humorous as fuck.

Anyway, am I feeling better? Yeah. I can tell, since the idea of the jumping off a bridge and breaking their legs in the water before suffocating into the sea below no longer gives me temporary joy, it just makes me think "Fuck, that would be a painful way to go out. Lord. Ugh, don't even picture that."

I hope they're alright, but I just want nothing to do with them, not if it makes me this unhappy. They had plenty of redeemable qualities! Just none for me. And I was really hoping that today would've left me like "Ha, look at us, bonding despite everything and learning more cool stuff about the other, how nice!", instead of another day of being able to, shocker, be in bed disappointed in them, and myself for giving them the opportunity to hurt me. Lol.

Like, one can only go "The awe! The arms! That ASS! The EYES" so many times before eventually it's just another pair of eyes or another backside on any stranger.

Fuck them. I can be just another girl they cry and rot in bed about at 4am, and they won't have me as someone to do the same over them in my apartment. I'd rather like, be happy and stuff? Like, safe and well fed and calm, cool, collected? The last tidbit of joy I got from them was that last phone call, and the last bit of anger will be from them ignoring my messages for over an hour before blocking me.

Eat shit, please. Thanks for reading. I'm gonna get some food and watch some cool Junji Ito videos now, something I'd never be able to do with them, and thankfully so. Bye!