I'm kinda amused at some point, shit just isn't going right, and that's alright.

Like getting kicked out of a hair salon for bullshit, and then plans with the same person as usual going awry, for... the third time in a row?

Let me guess, another excuse? A relapse in porn and he's too pussy to tell me? Just realized he'd get nothing out of a hangout with me?

I don't care, he's just as good as dead to me now. Not saying I want him dead, but I want him as close as possible to it. Here I was, just wanting a nice day out and some solid company to enjoy some flowers and artwork with. And just wanting my hair done.

What'd I get? Kicked out of a hair salon due to the hairstylist being catty, rude, and super aggressive at me expressing disappointment over her not fucking telling me for a week straight that a hairstyle I pre-agreed on doing with her, was not doable, until I arrived to my appointment. Who does that, really?

And that already took a lot out of me, made me so mad that I had a migraine for the entire day that wouldn't go away.

Thought "At least I have my first friend hangout with my ex-fuckbuddy, who seems to be looking forward to it." They even promised they wouldn't cancel at like 11:45pm of the night before, which was amusing, since I had just woken up from two dreams about them cancelling and ruining my day when I saw their message.

Then again, it's weird to say he wouldn't cancel, versus... Just showing up. Like, why feel the need to say that unless you already were planning to? Was it just to make a vow to me and himself, that he anulled anyway, as he does with all his promises? :D

And well.... if things went well, I wouldn't be here writing this, would I? Would I?

I got all dressed up and everything. Not to impress them, but since seeing the conservatory paired with another cool museum is the perfect time to stunt on motherfuckers, yknow? Was really looking forward to it. But nope, me contacting them at 10:48am about our plans just results in......... lookie, we were gonna meet at 12pm.

It's 12:49pm, I'm all dressed up, I'm depressed, and I'm blocked.

Ah, yes, you fucking idiot. The girl who just had a mental breakdown (and barely recovered) the day before over a lack of communication and shitty treatment really needed day two of that.

I'm not gonna end it, even though the urge is really really strong. Like, unfathomably bad.

And by end it, I mean my life. He's just such a fucking coward for this.

I was thinking, "What would I do if he cancels the night before? Would I block him or would I cry in bed over him?" I didn't know. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't go nuts, and would just simply block at best, or ghost for a bit at worst, since it'd be strike three.

First meetup plans, comedy show: cancelled because relapse. Second attempt, cancelled because he decided at 4am the day of our plans to tell me, after all the time in the world, that our plans had to be delayed by a day. Then he didn't respond to any messages for several days, as we know.

And now? Who knows. He didn't say any words, and didn't see me as worth picking up for, at least. Like what, sudden shift in personality and mindset and he realized I am not someone he wants to know? Not worth more than youknowwhat? Just tired? Just depressed? Just watched porn?

He's not worth the effort.

He really just is a life lesson, and never will be worth someone getting to know. That's not even me being mean, that's just me recognizing it. He can't communicate without shutting down even when it's made to be the easiest thing in the world for him, lets his insecurities and fears get in the way of things versus seeing me worth at least a fucking phone call to explain whatever he cancelled over, and to at least check in with him, know if he's okay, and more.

I don't think I can have any more ties to him.

It would've hurt enough to get cancelled on, but it's even worse to just.... I don't know. Not see me worth any words. It kinda took it from "Well that's a shame, and lessens my faith in them again", to......................................... this.

Like for fuck's sake.

Considering things haven't gone right for two days in a row, and they were two massive things I had been looking forward to, this kinda ruins my week. Trying to not let it, but oh boy, this fucks up my day. I could still go out, but I'm not really into going to GGP alone. And my friends are busy.

I could chug a bunch of alcohol and see how that works... But I have actual plans with my ex tomorrow that I don't want to be hungover for. Oh well, I guess today was a practice run of how I'd prep for my actual date tomorrow.

If they cancelled sooner, I could've at least, I don't know, been depressed earlier or some shit? Like, scheduled my sadness to last between the hours of 8pm to 10am, then had my little episode where I go back to catering to only myself right after? Would that have been better, or am I just optimistic and know I'd be depressed and bedridden anyway?

Kinda the philosophical question of "Is being cancelled on and depressed before I spent so much time outfit planning, getting all good smelling and cute, and more better, or worse?" Since I could picture spending today rotting in bed like absolutely trash

But if I knew sooner, then like, the Butterfly Effect might've benefitted me. If there was no reason to get out of bed, maybe I'd not have two bruises on my toes from TWO glass objects hitting my feet, ironically one falling onto my poor feet, mere seconds after the first. Just my luck, TWO instances of being double-teamed by painful things; two disappointing days with wack people being dicks in a row, and TWO heavy items dropping on my feet as I got ready for the day, on some comical Tom and Jerry shit.

Both are funny, and incredibly annoying.

A free braiding appointment in a hairstyle that would've made me look like 90's Beyonce was too good to be true, and a pleasant day of museum hopping with the same guy devoid of empathy or care who suddenly wanted to try actually bonding with me also was.

So instead of being smelly and in bed with a hurting heart, I'm dressed, moisturized, smelling nice, all cute, and with a lot of sadness. Glum, mildly depressed, and... I don't want to say the third thing.

I really was looking forward to today, and really scared of it cancelling. I might've tolerated being cancelled on if it wasn't them being too much of a fucking coward to say they changed their mind. Maybe I want them dead, or suffering, or depressed. I want them to just perish at this point, fuck them. I don't know how to feel anymore. Like, if I heard they spent the whole day slitting their wrists or rotting in bed over how they fucked up every single bond they've ever had, would I even care, or would it just make me feel better, that I'm not the only one suffering?

I don't really care how fucked up that sounds, its how I feel. I'm tired of getting hurt and disappointed while being made to feel like it's a rare thing.

They said in the past that they feel they're too fucked up to ever be attached to someone romantically or sexually, if they're always going to hurt someone. And who's fault is that?

And here we were, trying to try the platonic route. And they couldn't treat me as a friend, and just say they needed to cancel or were having a rough morning, or whatever the fuck. Or maybe I was just too fucking stupid to believe I was interesting to them at all, and I should just end it.

I hate that I actually bothered to care for them or like them in the slightest. I think I'd like them dead. Like, I'll just picture them falling off a bridge as many times as I can today, and see if that makes me feel better. It already is, since it makes me picture a reality where they never bother to contact me again and there's no chance of anything ever happening again, and that makes me so, so fucking happy to picture that.

I don't know how I'd feel seeing their name on the news. It'd be my fault and I'd know it, but only like, 20%. The other 80% would just be their own self destructive tendencies and inability to function, and lack of trust in themselves and others. No amount of niceness, patience, and manners had ever gotten me anything more than a fun hour long conversation or sex and nothing else anyway.

Anyway, I'm back to being in bed, naked and sweaty, and mixed tequila with water. Whatever happens happens. lol

I looked nice today, showered, took good care of myself, smelled nice, and oiled myself up.... That's good. I'm not sure what else I'll do today, but lord. May no other bullshit happen please, I'm kinda teetering on the world's most razor thin line right now. Let's hope sleep works. It seems that works best, sleeping until I wake up feeling decently another time... Alright, cya.