Because it never goes well. Like my ex knew to a certain extent how nuts I was over them, but it was mutual, so it benefitted us both. He got a girl who gave him blowjobs for her own enjoyment, baked, cooked, and was happy just lazing around with him or staring into eachother's eyes for hours.

Since the obsession was mutual! And still is, to an extent. Never a day without talking, mutually worshipping the other, and always checking in with eachother.

So the breakup has been weird. Not all that weird, since we still smash, make out, and hang/go out on dates, but it's still respected that I'm single due to total insanity and/or just being tired of the bullshittier parts of them. (Which they've worked on, and I like what I see. Whoohoo, peroxide rinses and flossing, YES. YES.)

Breaking up was difficult enough. There I was, telling my friends how badly I was starting to hate them more and more on a daily basis, fantasizing about jumping off their balcony, or finally going loco; but also simultaneously not being able to picture life without them. It took like, half a year for me to finally get the nerve to leave. I don't regret not leaving sooner at all; I left at the perfect moment. Spending my birthday, holidays, some parts of the summer, and Thanksgiving and other family events they had with them was lovely and well worth it. I truly wouldn't have left, if not for weird fucking opinions he had hygiene laziness.

At that point, it was "The bar of a guy who brushes his teeth, can attend nice events with me, and isn't potentially a *****hile is so fucking low and yet here we are." Like at that point, it was just me wasting my youth and time on someone who couldn't do the barest of minimums. I do not regret leaving.

Otherwise I imagine I'd be dead by now. Or someone else would be? Hard to say. It makes me upset just to picture it, but yeah, constant chest pains and a growing list of reasons to hate him would have been an awful combination to have.

He knows everything. The suicidal and homicidal fantasies, my resentment and previous hatred for him, the self hate coming from so many different directions, the obsession, and more. And he still likes and accepts me. He tried to fucking guilt trip me over it when we first broke up, but I don't play that shit. Like, cool, you accept me despite knowing I'm absolutely fucking bonkers in the brain, and I can simultaneously be disgusted with you for lying and your breath smell like a deer carcass's rotting taint. Two things are possible at once!

We're on good terms, he's seeing me tomorrow. He's a lovely fellow, and I do enjoy him, I just absolutely am not mentally ready for something monogamous before I resolve my own attachment issues and codependency.

And what does my dumbass do? Start banging a (very hot) cute fella who has an entirely different attachment style and way of living than me. I mentioned that it was probably doomed to never work as a relationship, or as fuckbuddies, due to...... Well, anything historically between us ever. My fuckbuddy said it was still a cool potential, and that I seemed more resistant than they are to things....

I just don't want anyone to get hurt. And I get hurt easily. I wouldn't exactly go "This 22 year old who can't go more than 2 days without being talked to is so dateable"... if I were someone who was older and enjoyed non-constant contact, that is.

It's nice to know that I'm still perceived as completely admirable and appreciated by others, but... Well, there's two things:

1. It feels like my options are "Go for the ex-guy that you like, and have fleeting inconsistent feelings for, and enjoy things despite the flaws and obvious pain to come, who has Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes and Super Cute Twink Body" and "Go for the ex-guy that you like, and have fleeting inconsistent feelings for, and enjoy things despite the flaws and obvious pain to come, but with Muscles and Tats and Sexy Glasses with Black Hair." And sadly, the third option of "Just be fucking single and work on yourself" cannot be unlocked yet, until I learn my lesson the hard way. (Codependency, a boring life sex addiction = I require sex and pleasant company or else I stay still and perish like a shark that had stopped swimming.)
2. My annoyingly repetitive taste in men and ability to self-sabotage through sex and unhinged dating experiences aside, I also just think people keep brushing aside things that I find to be Massive Red Flags in me. Even a different guy asked me out recently, (fuck, he was cringe,) and he ignored his own standards of "I want a girl that's mentally sane, doesn't date men for money, and has her shit together", to..... try and ask me out. Bro heard me straight up describe my insane experiences with my fuckbuddy, the homicidal thoughts and psychosis, and decided "Ah, now THIS is a girl who deserves a nice candlelit dinner near the marina followed by a sunset walk and dessert." Do I deserve that? Yeah, but like.... its also a red flag to me if dudes ignore red flags in me. Especially if they want something specific. It just screams "I do not care for my own health or well-being, I care more about lust, infatuation, and The Chase, and want to waste my own fucking time with you."

I wanna date, but I know I'm not ready for it. And even if I was, not with the men I'm currently seeing. Nothing's inherently wrong with them, we just have different lives and outlooks entirely.

Like me and my ex, him lying about something that specifically is a huge trigger to me, plus his hyper-sensitivity (while claiming I was the sensitive one) was pathetic. The way he jumps away from the slightest sizzle coming from cooking oil makes me a little grossed out, it's oil, it's not gonna hurt you pussy. His stagnancy, his shitty opinions, his people-pleasing tendencies, god he can't even pick up the phone to make a call, and if I ask his day, I already know what he's gonna say. Despite all this, is our connection top tier and unmatched? Absolutely. All he has to do is enter a room and I'll immediately feel like I'm with my puzzle piece match, you know? He's very stellar. But, I don't wanna marry him, be around his family, nor have kids with him ever. The idea of having his siblings as aunts/uncles disgusts me, and he seems like he'd just be how my dad was to me growing up. A pushover, a loser, and unprepared for a kid in his life. Plus, he doesn't want that either, he's just open to it now, since he knows it's what id want some day.

So a great homie, but not long term material yknow?

Then there's my fuckbuddy. He's fine as fuck, thick ass dick that still has me twitching just thinking about it, and an adorable face. We probably have a good amount of things in common, but considering not talking for two days or so between each meetup is triggering my alcoholism, and giving me a strong urge to slit my wrists, drink Windex, or just do not so hot things in general..... Yeah, I tried to leave for a reason.

But he wanted me around, so I stuck around. Had a nice hangout last time, great sex, pleasant bond. It was nice! But too nice! Not to say I don't deserve nice moments, but:

1) He deserves someone who is emotionally stable, or at least on his level of stability... (I don't know how to define his mental stability. Is it worse or better than mine? Who knows? Either way, we're incompatible.)

2) I deserve better than being told at like 3am that our date plans have to be cancelled/change. Even worse, that it had slipped their mind, and I wasn't seen as worth being told sooner than 3 in the freaking morning the day of our plans lol. And, I shouldn't be bedridden or all angsty and anxious all day over if I should still see them or not, when they'll respond, etc...

3) He deserves better than someone who sees someone post on a hookup subreddit with a description almost exactly to how he looks, and then gets extremely paranoid over someone that isn't even her man, AND she fucks and dates other people anyway. Same for the inverse; I deserve someone who I don't have to think "Oh god, is he looking for other bitches? What about the other night and our date plans? Is this why he cancelled? He is lying, and just wants to fuck kinky bitches into the kinky shit im not, without me knowing it?"

4) I don't even know what I want, and I think it'd be damaging to drag someone else into my mess, yknow? For both people. One second I wanna be single, the next second monogamous, the next second I want two guys, then suddenly I want zero men in my life. I don't know what I want, but I know that deep down, neither will give me what I know I want deep down. Like sure, I can get my room cleaned, have sex, have a kiss or cuddle, but I want someone I don't have to feel disgusted by, question my feelings for, or the inverse. I want something healthy.

I liked the meetup the other night, a bit too much. I know what happens when I like someone too much. I feel bad. I shot down the idea of meeting up again, since it's just too much if its only been a few days and I've gone from "Wow, two days without talking to my fuckbuddy and I'm actually motivated on my goals!", to "He hasn't talked to me all day, no matter what. God I fucking resent him", in a two day period. Goodness fucking gracious!

Shame, the sex was good, but any sex that can lead to me feeling like a weak bitch isn't good. Obsession for me leads to bad things, and I even reflected on other men I've been not so great with in the past... I don't want history to repeat. Plus, I told myself, "By March 1st, I'm no longer allowing niggas to stress me out, make me bedridden, or otherwise."

I gotta figure out my own shit first. Meeting with my ex tomorrow to get together the last of my depression bedroom, and let's hope getting my room together actually leads to starting my goals, being productive, and just living happily and stress free instead of being some weak ass lame ass bitch.

I get the feeling I want to kill myself, like, strongly. Like, so badly tonight. Why? Oh, because my emotions are too strong to healthily bond with anybody. Because my ex boyfriend loves me and yet I don't feel that strongly for him anymore, and aside from mild possessiveness I feel no interest in him.

Since I've been saying "This month is the month that I get over these niggas!" for like, two to three months. Since I keep seeing the guy who I've almost slit my wrists over or wanted to drink myself into a stupor over, and learning new endearing things about them that make me like them a scary amount, and it's depressing me all around how much I'm afraid to outwardly like someone who I'm still sure doesn't really dig me even nearly close to how even a normal crush would feel at all.

Since nothing feels worth it anymore.

It's gonna be another day of waking up and seeing no text from them and wanting to stab myself in the chest for how intensely I absolutely hate myself for having any romantic or platonic attachment to anybody, it's disappointing as hell. It'll be another evening of seeing my ex and thinking of someone else.

I hate everything. Nothing is rewarding. I'm just.................................

I don't know. I'll just try my best tonight. I feel disgusted with myself for how much I hate being attached to anyone at all, and simultaneously so unattached. My friends have been messaging me, and yet I have no interest in engaging with them.

I don't know what to do. I might just do it. Like, fuck it, really. I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and the loop will continue, and the shit won't end, and nothing I say or do will matter, and I'll just simply cease one way or another.

That's all. Maybe I'll write later. I just gotta block my fuckbuddy, since whether or not I live to tomorrow or not, i think the worst thing i can do is still wake up and expect and hope to get some sort of message that i mean shit to them past a placeholder for someone else someday.

i dont think much can be said? im mentally unstable and like them and am terrified of everything, at all times, and for all i know they've done nothing wrong but tell me a bit too late at night that plans gotta delay by a day. (and ignoring me all day afterward.) i dont know. ill just be disgusted with myself no matter what the truth is.

i need to sleep or something. peace out, yalls, ttyl.