I fucked him yesterday. What a choice that was, yes indeed.

I'm impressed with my ability to go "I'm gonna do these specific plans without him in mind", just for him to invite himself aaaaaaaaaaaaaand then fucking myself over, bit by bit! Quite a skill!

Like I did plan to go to that EDEN concert alone to just enjoy looking hot and dancing and vibing by myself, but my "aw this mf was supposed to show up and I don't wanna waste a free ticket, and hey, that One Guy I'm not supposed to talk to is free, we could have a quick bang after, maybe he could come?" instincts kicked in.

I do wonder how that concert would've gone if he didn't show up. I probably would'nt have spent an extra hour in the cold waiting for him to show up, and probably would've enjoyed more than 5 songs (two were encores, thank fucking GOD i wouldve cried otherwise bro,) and who knows how I'd be getting to work, with zero calories in my system and zero funds either? I did have a nice time though either way, just still a little awkward. I wasn't a huge EDEN fan anyway, I just liked one song, so not a HUGE loss, but I didn't get to live out my temporary groupie fantasy and/or just enjoy the feeling of being alone surrounded by others at a concert.....

Mixed feelings about it, but its more of a "Eh, what can you do?", situation.

Yesterday was like that. It was like right as I was like "Me and this dude will never date, he's a mess and unreliable and mid, and I'm just gonna focus on room cleaning", then he called and asked to help out. Since I do clean better with a body double present, someone to just sit down and talk to me as I do my tasks to hold me accountable, I'd said sure. I figured he could come over, we clean up at least two out of my four tasks to do to spiff up my place, grab a bite, and maybe fuck as a reward at the end.

Which backfired, and resulted in me getting cute as fuck (im glad i took so many pics of my fit), him not complimenting me, nor responding to mine towards him, (i could've said "Hey Hellboy, nice outfit, you look like a crackhead hitchiker in the street about to ask me for money in exchange for tissues on BART," but nooooooo, I said "You look nice today!" or "Nice eyes! Like caramel brownies!", and that didn't go well....)

....and then awkwardly eating food, confusing conversational topics, (bro dont ask me about our future kids pre-fuck, man, we aren't even like THAT,) failed flirting, and on and on....

Plus conversation is hard when you've got fucked up lungs that make you wanna hack horrendously hard in the middle of a restaurant ever 4 words of a conversation, plus angular chelitis stopping me from smiling, talking or eating as well, and the already present tension of "I don't know this guy THAT well, so, how the fuck am I supposed to talk to this fool in person? We're both introverts and I sadly am too distracted blushing and trying not to contort my face into weird blushing-and-trying-to-hide-it-despite-being-black faces, because I am sadly attracted to this Absolute Deviant Asshole, and he's not making talking any easier with the cryptic remarks or the offhand jokes and reaaaaaaaaally long silences at my attempts at humor either."

So if every 4 seconds, I've gotta hide my face to not make weird faces when I blush, (I miss finding him ugly, it was 10x easier to go 'this man with the weird bangs and shitty politics is kinda creepy',) or try not to cough like an old man dying of the plague to not terrify strangers in public, or try to prevent talking or smiling so much that the lip wound I've got doesn't rip open painfully after ALMOST finally healing after aaaaaaaaaaall week, and ontop of that, just normal awkwardness of being around a dude I barely like but am sadly very attracted to?

Yeah, that factored into the awkwardness. Plus we have very different senses of humor. I can show him a random meme of Nev and Max from Catfish, with the words "Do you think they explored eachothers bodies" on it, and get a "what the fuck?", meanwhile he thought jokingly trying to pretend my house was his post-fuck and repeating the "Alright, thanks for coming by!", joke THREE TIMES after sex was going to make me laugh. If I barely laughed the first, why would I laugh the 3rd time? Anyway, this is why I don't like to bang people outside of my generation. They're dated and will never understand the joys and thrills of unhinged grimecore girlblogging. (sarcasm, but also not; gen z like different shit i think lol.)

Anyway; we got food, had decent conversation at times, fucked a bunch. Compliments during sex failed. Them doing that thing where they want to tediously take off my clothes in the worst, most awkward ways possible had pissed me off, paired with the lack of reaction at the start. Ah yes, girls love it when you awkwardly yank their midi dress over their head and make them suffocate in their fucking fast fashion dresses when it's 10x easier to S L I D E the dress DOWN past my BOOBS AND HIPS... followed by unenthusiastic receptions to oral. I actually almost got very very angry, but thankfully that passed.

The sex was good, but the awkwardness of plenty of things still results in it being seen as mid? Like great positions, but the awkwardness of a dude who's used to dealing with submissive chicks, trying to fuck the girl who's used to being dominant, leads to a lot of me thinking "This dude is kinda just doing whatever he wants very rapidly, and I don't feel like this works." Since is there a non-awkward way to say "I don't like the way you eat my pussy, knock that shit off"? I could've said it, but frankly I had already been awake for like, 20 hours at that point, pissed off, and exhausted, and.... didn't feel like giving a How To Fuck 101 course, like I usually would. Whatever.

Overall, the encounter was..... alright? As fun as repeated awkward moments of failed jokes, incompatibility, and raw sex with someone incredibly hot but very very awkward can be. We didn't even room clean! And I felt depressed right after it, and embarrassed.

Not to mention me trying to give them a flirty kiss post-sex and them pulling away. Oh wow, L to take, oof. So WHERE IS THE LINE DRAWN? Talking to the girl you have zero intentions of a future with about how your future kids would be like is a-okay, but her kissing you real quick after already spending a good hour and a half making out during RAW, MEAT TO MEAT sex is ~doing too much~? I wanted to fight so bad. Thankfully I had him leave after that, since that... pissed me way off.

Pre-sex thinking "We probably won't even bang, I do wanna at least give this a shot to be able to say I gave it a chance, and that I'm not missing out on any opportunities for a better bond with him. Plus hell, worst case scenario my room gets cleaner than it is now due to him arriving and I learn more about my fuckbuddy, right?"

Wrong. Worst case scenario, you have sex with a loser, and you end up with your room even messier than you started out with, cum on your bath towel, and reaaaaaaaaaaally intense awkwardness and a sore vagina and a reminder that he's not what you want.

I had a lot of fun calling my friend after it and talking shit. It was amusing, plus pleasant, hearing them say that they weren't mad at me for still giving him a shot, but that they knew I deserved better. I know that deep down, too. Plus they pointed out his weird manipulation tactic of egging on a future relationship/a bond to try to keep me around, which I appreciated. They laughed hearing how shocked he was that I didn't fall for the bait for the millionth time as usual, lmfao.

I fell for a different type of bait, but it's alright. Now I know I can't expect to be alone in a room with him at all, or for him to ever actually follow through on any plans, platonic or romantic or not. He can't be honest, he's weird, he's wishy washy and he's also just incredibly awkward.

I can do better than just some red faced guy who responds "Ok" flatly to any attempts of convo or flirting, or who is just..... gross. I think I kinda really don't like him, yeah. He ruined it when he did everything I hated that I've Told Him I Hated When Men Do. Like for fucks sake, if all he did was show up to the comedy show plans we made the other fucking day, that would've been enough to make me happy.

And instead, oh no, the broke pathological liar who keeps forgetting not to do dumb shit to impress me, probably watched porn, got Post Nut Clarity and realized that offering unprompted to pay for everything for the comedy show meet-up, all while taking 12 hours to check the menu for that expensive ass place, (why the FUCK would he offer that?) was a bad idea. (And at that point, was too egotistical to just ask if we could go Dutch, and decided to cancel things altogether. I wouldn't be shocked if the relapse was an excuse, or just another reason amongst many to not see him worth it.)

He's so slow and weird and dipshitty that it actually hurts. I'm glad my close homies are there to let me know "You're 22, and you're hot, and he's like........... twenty s e v e n ...... yknow? Like..... ew, that's too damn grown to be his age and acting like that, you can find someone better like, anywhere else. He's unemployed, he's generic, he's lame, he's just so EW, YKNOW?"

Thanks, homies.

I just can't trust or rely on him for anything, not even a good time. Not one that lasts long, ever. If I wanted five minutes of a good time followed by extremely long periods of awkwardness, I'd just watch a YouTube video while waiting in line at the DMV or some shit. NOT bother with him.

He's worse than a 14 year old at this point.

Alright, now that that's settled... What's on my agenda for today? Blueberry waffles and chicken apple sausage, then maybe a comedy show with my ex boyfriend, or room cleaning. Amusing, wishing for what I can get out of one man already out of another...

Wish me luck. I'm gonna peroxide the hell out of my mouth and take some vitamins. Peace out yalls, laters. :D