I'm gonna see how long I can keep my mouth shut about this foolishness, let's see how long that lasts. On the bright side, I don't feel rage, just a general feeling of "Ah shit, here they go again with that. Alright."

It's good! It's pleasant, it's growth! Instead of an intense rage and deep rooted sadness that leads to spiraling with alcoholism and deep self hatred AND hatred towards them, it's just like "Predictable; not expected, but not surprising, with how they historically are."

I think the mid sex and the sudden shift in their tone helped. Going from seeming sincere about desperately wanting a sort of friendship, or potential relationship with me, to never wanting to see me again, all within the span of a nut, is.................... well, just kinda sums up exactly why I lost interest in him in the first place, lmfao.

Exactly why. Jesus.

Anyway, went to a nice concert, and the person who was supposed to show for the free ticket I had just never showed up or responded. (Its a FREE TICKET, to a GREAT performer, what the FUCK bro? Like?) And I'm getting my tickets, right as the Motherfucker I'm Not Supposed To Talk To responds to some post-work booty call message I sent them, that I entirely forgot I sent at all.

What can I say? I'm single and have countless mental disorders matched with a high sex drive, and figured "I'm fine never seeing him as a friend or a potential lover ever again, I already know he's incapable of that, with me specifically. He can just go back to being the Plow Guy who I have very little fucks to give about."

They responded, confused for some reason. Still met up with me, attended the last like... 20 minutes of the concert with me, which I appreciated. But they kept doing little weird shit, despite me multiple times letting them know it was supposed to be unattached. Like, if someone said "I don't want to date you, and you're not my friend, all I want is to fuck", then I wouldn't.... yknow, stroke their arm randomly, hold their back, try to hold their hand for as long as I can even when not trying to just not lose eachother in a crowd. I wouldn't keep over and over asking them if they're back with their ex, or considering it, or keep trying to interrogate them in the car after the concert on why I find them not good for me, or why we couldn't date, or be consistent fuckbuddies, or be friends. I wouldn't have tried as hard as he did to flirt, banter, or woo me conversationally.

I hate that it worked. Then I hated his attitude change immediately after the fuck went down.

I wanted gentle, he said he could do gentle; and then he went rough... It felt..... not good. I wasn't sexually assaulted, but it sure didn't feel.... good. It reminded me of bad stuff.

I don't think he'd be the type to do that as some sort of fucked up revenge. "Oh, the girl I don't want at all says she's no longer interested in anything but dick? Time to suddenly start acting like a flirty dreamboat, convince her that something is there worth pursuing healthily, then immediately go cold and say I want nothing to do with her right after I nut."

It's so mean that it's actually hilarious. Jesus, and I cared for this dude. Ha. All he did was show me why I shouldn't ever have. Ever.

It could've been honest, and as simple as just showing up, fucking, then no other unnecessary flirting, conversation, borderline begging for a chance to mean or be something to me again. But when the fuck has he ever been honest? I've told him plenty of times, even before we fucked, how he should stick to a fucking script and not keep doing shit like this. Then he did it again. During sex, and after sex. He's just never gonna be what or who I want, or need. He couldn't do it even if his fucking life depended on it.

That's exactly why I can never fucking date him, or be his friends. Everything has to be his way, all the time. He decides in the moment that im some sort of Sexy Unattainable Siren and that he needs to be oddly jealous over me, possessive, and clingy to me? Then he'll keep trying. Once he gets it? Back to me being absolutely nothing to him. He wants me to see him as worth something, but that's not a luxury he sees me as being to him unless I toss him around. He's so fucking lame.

Also, the song DRUGS by Eden oddly fits them. They're a mess, say shit they don't mean, lie a bunch and get a rush off of doing it, can't love, addicted to hurting, they hurt themselves, feelings don't mean shit to them, they do constant dumb shit, and are what I want but don't need. It's irritating. It's pretty fucking hilarious, me attending a concert on some "I should go alone to have a fun time and get out of my head about That One Guy", then getting stood up by someone else and not wanting to waste the spare ticket I should've just given away for free to some rando about to enter, then waiting an hour for That One Guy to show up just to miss on what could've been a lot of great music and solo fun (or an extended covid risk), and... I don't know. I lost the plot. Surreal listening to that song, directly next to his ass.

Also, the hilarity of me paying like, 34 bucks or more in Lyft rides to be on-time for an event that didn't even start at exactly 8pm; AND to get stood up by the OG ticket claimer, proving that being early was useless anyway. Then being even MORE LATE just to bring in the guy I'm not supposed to be talking to, and only listen to like, 5 songs. I don't fully regret not just going by myself, I guess. I appreciated him coming.

I'm getting annoyed just writing this. Like... wow, not even during sex was he what I wanted. It was bad. He did that thing where he forced his hands into mine, and kept kissing me the whole time. But outside of that, the sex and kissing still was not what I wanted, and reminded me of the first time we hooked up. Way too aggressive, bordering violent-ish? He kept biting me on accident with his stupid teeth. The only nice part was looking into his eyes, they looked nice, like caramel brownies. And he smelled nice, and looked good. But that was so.....

I don't know. I don't get this dude. The type of fool to clearly hear how much a chick likes him, and decide "I'll lie and say I'm getting a blowjob from someone else in her city to see how much she likes me, and get validation", instead of just being a normal fucking man with a spine and asking me on a date.

I hate that I still wanna kiss him? And like, see a beach with him sometime, or just look at his face while laying against him. I was pissed that we didn't get to cuddle post-sex. If it were up to me, we'd be besties, or decent fuckbuddies with minimal stress. But nope. It's always up to them, and they expect me to just be backseat to whatever spontaneous shit they feel like in the moment. Even when I HAD offered to be that person for them, the GFE who could handle the lack of a serious attachment who they had supposedly wanted.... Guess what? I was seen as delusional and needy. Or when it was included as an option in the fuckbuddy contract, they still overlooked it to say I meant fucking nothing to them. But oh, I'm supposed to now suddenly be fine with "We could be intimate fuckbuddies who build to a relationship" from someone who can go half a week or even weeks and months without talking to me? I'd rather cut my tongue out of my fucking face.

That's not someone who I can be with. If I can only expect contact when it's late at night and you're horny, and you can survive without me or live with me crying or hurting myself over you, then why the fuck would you deserve to kiss me, or hold my hand? Why would I do intimacy with you, someone who's never intimate, never personal, never invested? They can do all the shit in the world to me romantically and still not care the second I liked him back. I bet even if we did have a date, they'd simply treat it with the same care as they'd give to gum on the bottom of their shitty ass shoes. I could love him and he'd still not give a single shit over me unless he was manic, horny, or desperate to fulfill his fucking abandonment issues by trying to rope me back in. Such an asshole.

Anyway, I shouldn't waste too much more time on this. He's a pretty guy, sure, but he's selfish. He's incompetent, and holds his tongue even if he'd have a decent outcome from basic talking.

I've got other shit to focus on. I've got a date tomorrow, and then another the next day.

Still debating if I wanna do the one I have for tomorrow? My co-worker actually had the balls to surprise me with a thoughtful gift and shoot his shot by mentioning meeting if I had no plans, which is 1000x more effort than that other asshole could ever do. (Nothing from the Toxic Guy but "I wish I had someone to fuck for valentines day", and being spiteful that lookie, my ex who actually texts every day and does 10x more in every capacity is the one I'm putting on my heels and dress for.) And I should actually give dudes who are sweet and TRY a shot, shouldn't I?

It could be a nice fun distraction, or an uncomfortable waste of time and energy. I guess do I wanna spend tomorrow with my co-worker, who is the type to ask me the same question 3x in a row after already hearing the answer? (Like for fuck's sake, if I say I never want a septum piercing or some shit, then don't ask me three more times when and/or if I'll ever get one. That made me think "Okay, he's got no game and might be a pain in the ass for conversations.")

OR do I wanna stay in and see if I trust myself to not rot in bed, order some food, light up all my vibrators and watch The Love Witch with some good wine and snacks as I plan for my actual post-V-day plans with the guy who actually cares for me, flaws and all?

The latter does sound nicer...

Anyway, I'm gonna go order a pizza and just let whatever else happen. The Toxic Guy is a hot mess, and took a simple 'pump and dump' situation into a 'why not date me? hold my hand. why not be with me? why cant we fuck consistently? why cant u care for me? please like me please like me im cumming aaaaaaaaaaaaand now you mean nothing to me' situation, ironically despite repeatedly being told not to do things like that to the girl who's obviously gone mentally unwell over him before.

Whatever. He's a slut and just showed me everything I liked about him (banter, humor, mild charm) and everything that has made me intrusively visualize in my head smashing glass plates against his skull and watch the way he sprawls on the floor in agony. (Yknow, the 'i am telling you directly what id require and you are none of that' thing before he becomes what i wanted for months just to hurt me/'you said you could do XYZ and then proceeded to do the direct opposite'. See? I gave him a chance he BEGGED for AGAIN, and even during the nice conversations from the other night, it all still went out the other ear the second he decided it wasnt worth doing for him.)

I hate him so much.

But this is the same guy who straight up said he wouldn't do my aftercare after we first fucked a year and a half ago; and the same guy who watched me faint on the floor in front of him and just stared at my limp body until I regained consciousness; and the same guy who complains about my moments of rage when he did every single thing possible to set it off. The same guy who decides to get mad at me for going on dates and fucking my ex, who loves me, instead of just sitting around waiting for their dry texts back.

He's just like any other pathetic little insecure guy I knew. And he's 5 ft 9 but lies about it, fuck him. My ex is taller, both height wise and dick wise. Couldn't even throatfuck right, why am I worried over him? Lmfaooooo

I'm gonna suck my ex twice, NO, THREE TIMES as good now, next time I see him. He deserves it. When I considered killing myself over the ex-fling being stupid, they held me and made me feel loved. Since they do. Meanwhile my ex fuckbuddy's consequences to their actions will simply be spending the holiday and their birthday alone, as they deserve. Since they can't do basic affection or any non-narcissistic care for others without glorified toxic behaviors coming through.

Depression room cleaning and a nice dinner out? Yeah, needed. :D

Peace out yalls, he was never worth any energy, even if it was to humor him/tell him directly my thoughts and whatnot, and I should've either told him to shut the fuck up when he tried his bullshit OR just let his stupid ass take me to work immediately. He's delusional, insane, and a fucking loser asshole. He's not worth shit. Fuck him.

Thanks yall.