But I didn't, since why the fuck would I?

I tried, so hard. So so hard. They knew! And they didn't care! if anything, he always loved and obsessed over the idea of 'i can make him worse'; almost every text, even from 2021, proves that. "I want to get mentally fucked up, it makes for better sex". Saying sex was a good idea, just to almost immediately get depressed after it. He *liked* it. He did. The abandonment issues paired with his sex addiction probably lead to him being intentionally manipulative if it meant a prolonged interest in him and 'impress him' sex, since he a l w a y s knew exactly what I hated. Then he'd do exactly that, before coming back, either with some guilt trip, or sweet words, or some offer and pretending he didn't do anything.

He knew I liked him. He knew how to piss me off, and what'd keep me around. He probably knows firsthand that toxic relationships are the most addictive ones, considering our mutual pasts. So, I find it hard to believe that any of this was accidental.... at all. I know he loved it. Hell, he was the one to encourage it in the first place. He likes to do self destructive shit, for whatever reason. Self punishment? Makes him feel cared for? Fuck if I know. All I know is, he wanted me around to have me for his convenience yet ironically had no idea *what* he wanted from me.

Even years ago he cared over if he meant anything to me. So fucking ridiculous. Even if he knew, he wouldn't care, since he has no fucking idea how to accept love or care at all. Otherwise, he'd believe me back then, or would've bothered to trust me enough as a bond. I hate that I ruined that trust later on, but well.... fuck it, that trust was barely existent. And he did nothing to grow my trust in him at all; if anything, anything to make the foundation shakier was what he wanted and LOVED. Unstable bitch working on herself = one less person to fuck when he had nobody else. Unstable bitch = desperate for the dopamine and sex. Makes sense tbh.

I wouldn't be shocked if that blowjob-before-meeting bullshit was either a backfired attempt to rile me up and inspire some sort of sign that I liked him and was jealous or whatever, whether a good reaction or a bad reaction, or just him thinking I was gonna be fine with it.

I wasn't gonna respond to him on some "Good for you, fuck other women since you'll never have me again until you're worthy of me" shit, even if it could've lead to the hopeful platonic or romantic bond I truly wanted....... (I technically did, but not in a sexy 'come chase me/work for me big boy' way, more in the 'please just stop reaching out this is lame' sort of way. And hell, days passed and they didn't reach out anyway nor care how I had felt, so, lmfao.)

Why not try that route with him if you see it potentially leading him to finally stop seeing you as a sex object or worse, you ask? Since I'm an actual human being, and can't fulfill whatever degrader Goddess kink they probably have, to 'encourage them to be a better man through select dark feminine actions and-' no fuck that. I'm also nonbinary, I don't like needing to do too many complex things just to make someone of a certain gender or maturity (and lack thereof) act borderline decent. It's lame.

I have emotions. Shun and egg me, bitches, I don't care. Go masturbate to a video of Sophia Loren if you want some sexy bitch to tease you that is 1000% confident enough to not care about you and other women; I'll just like, distance from the messy ass bullshit, or talk it out, with my normal-emotional-range having ass. Please, and fucking thank you!

I already affirmed I'm not some siren or femme fatale. I'm an autistic hopeless romantic who needed friends, and someone to actually bother giving a shit about me. And wouldn't have me upset over their actions enough to ruin my day, lol.

And they wanted... not me! But me, but Not Me. They probably subconsciously wanted the same shit, but did one helluvan awful execution to how to achieve that; through manipulation and sex. I meanwhile gave up on that, since it's either detrimental to both people, or just really fucking stupid. No, you don't need me to be the Perfect Aloof Sex Symbol for you to be motivated enough to ask me on a date, you should just be mentally stable enough to do that off the bat. (But lol, since when have they ever been? Also, they hold me to a bar that they themselves can't reach even on tip toes, so let's be easier on myself as well, for everything.)

And even when I was some Ideal Woman archetype that was Mysterious or Sexy or Cool, that was more of a "This man disgusts me so much, I physically am repulsed if I stare at his face longer than 2 seconds, I really really want next to nothing to do with him except for something nice to make up for the shitty sex with him." Which, somehow was more well received than actual genuinely giving a single fuck did.

I think that was our best sort of bond, honestly. The most honest one. The simplest kind! Gift, mid to great tier sex, then awkward cuddling with no real conversation and a fist bump before I go home. Not whatever "You mean nothing to me, but if I mean nothing to you, then I'm gonna self harm and rot in bed over it while never improving and don't fuck someone else" could possibly be defined as.

But it was tiresome. I wanted to actually Like someone, without games. And they wanted games, despite also being hurt by the same things they desired, since they've got it fucked up; they don't know what they actually desire versus hate, and somehow got it all fucked up. Like oh yes, guy who really desires praise and cuddles and kisses, I'm *really* sure that another lifeless sexual bond with good throat is gonna resolve your fucking problem.

("Are you sure meeting me is a good idea? Are you feeling mentally stable for it?" "Yeah lol!" Then cue lots of horrible horrible awful stuff they do to themselves immediately popping up after it to show that it was never a good idea.)

It's not even so heavily a romantic bond or desire I guess, it's on my end "I hope this dude gets okay someday, but lord, its ridiculous what he fucking does", and on his end? Who knows. I could have genuinely meant nothing to him and I was just some fun object to occasionally try to impress for the sake of an ego boost or pussy, and he'd play the long game to get it too, no matter how foolish. Could've been a distraction from his thoughts, or what. Either way, he was never one to voice it/figure his shit out, so why even worry?

It's like getting shot and questioning if the gunman shot you in order to kill you, on accident, or just to maim you but not Injure You injure you.

At the end of the day, I still got hurt! Thats that.

But geez, if I had a dime for every man who saw me being entirely uninterested in them, or Suddenly deciding to spring back the second I go "this isnt healthy, I want better, or they are just never gonna change", I'd have enough to buy a nice smorgasbord of snacks. Or, a used car, more like it. Even men who didn't even like me like that! At some point, it's gotta be a mental illness for the other people, right?

"She's a mystery," sir I physically have never stopped talking ever in my lifetime. "She's the One That Got Away", I have never moved! I am almost always where you found me! If anything, you're stepping back, and noticing I'm not rushing after you anymore as you race for the exits. Leave, nigga. "I can't stop thinking about her", and yet my phone is dry and schedule is free, funny. "She gets my heart pumping and sparks something in me", that's probably just chest pains paired with anxiety, you have fucking mommy issues. "She brings something out of me" IT'S THE WORST. I BRING OUT THE WORST IN YOU. KEEP IT IN YOU AND STOP TAKING IT OUT ON ME.

Hate that shit so much.

Ironically the time I went "no more men and sex in general, this shit is so lame, and I'm just entirely disinterested and cannot physically sacrifice my peace over them unless given something" had been when I had the most suitors around? What's wrong with some of yall?

I could 'fake it til i make it' and be some facade in order to keep the lamest of people around, but I'd rather just like, keep being me, even if it won't get me dick, or validation, or whatever else. I'd rather just not have to deal with someone like that. I didn't pretend I was fine with them getting the slurp from a stranger then wanting to see me before, or after, it, since it's not in me to lie. And I'd just end up crying or vomiting or freaking out no matter what, they'd still lie to me or anything ever in this lifetime, and I'd still be unhappy.

I'd rather just be with someone with their shit together; I could've faked like I was fine with that, and done the Feminine response, the Siren thing, the Dominatrix vibe, but fuck no. I said what I was, how I felt for them/in regards to them, and what I wanted before, and they purposely enjoyed riling me up to hurt me. I said what I was and what I wouldn't be, and they knew that. Why am I beating myself up for not doing some tamer thing?

So gross. I just deserve better is all. Yknow, a sexy guy who also won't want to throw themselves off a bridge at any lack of conversation or me considering pursuing better in life aside from just dick and lame ass trauma they bring to me to solve, has life goals, works on himself... That's pleasant as hell to me.

I did my best, and tried, so many times; then ultimately still tried my best all the way to the end. They never did, and never dreamed of trying. End of story.