Very very good. I did great. And I'm happy and proud of myself.

Plus it turns out my homie is going through the same "Everything sucks and I'm suffering immensely" thing, SO now I have a buddy to use as a healthy coping mechanism!

Turns out the key to resolving loneliness is just finding a non-fuckable, non-boring person and making plans with them.

And not dick.

Ha! Ha. Wow. Damn. Fuck!

I had the urge to post online looking for dick, but I realized "Nah, I'm not into raising my body count," (I don't even believe in those, BUT I believe in the energy transference, which I've had enough of,) and thought that doing my habit of "Sad over some guy you liked who just wanted coochie? Find a hotter, or not hot at all guy, who you can either have passionate sex with OR emotionless boring sex with! Fill that void AND that coochie up, girl!" was.... not worth trying this time around.

Ironically that habit is how me and my last fuckbuddy met; me going "I like this one huge dick guy with issues a bit too much, and it's fucking with my sanity. If I have another dude in rotation to keep my obsession levels Stabilized, then I can function!"

Then all I got was bad sex with the dick dropper, and an awkward, tensely frayed relationship with the liked guy. (Who probably wouldn't have dated me anyway, so it was a blessing in disguise frankly.)

If someone came up to me in 2021 and said "Who do you think is gonna last longer? The guy that cooks you dinner, talks to you, and spends like 30 minutes eating you out JUST to see you be happy? OR that guy who does one single stroke every two minutes and makes faces like a man possessed, sweating WAY too hard for someone who does Fucking Nothing good in bed?".....

I would get my answer very, very wrong. And I certainly wouldn't expect that the guy who looks like a microwaved tomato in bed to actually end up being a half decent person, help me with getting over my most recent ex-boyfriend, and more. (AND to get better at sex. And, somehow make me care about him.)

I think caring about emotionally stunted dudes is like, the worst thing I could do to myself, next to doing crack. I haven't tried crack. I *have* experienced that weird rush of joy when the dumbass you're supposed to not be talking to cashapps you to unblock them, or the gentleness when the guy who supposedly hates you to an unbelievable amount softens whenever you're upset over something unrelated to their bullshit.

It's a similar sensation to drugs! From the best of my knowledge, as someone who doesn't do drugs, at all.

Had a nice day, saw the person I shouldn't bother with (due to the same cycle repeating over and over with neither person learning their lesson, even after a year and a fucking half,) messaged me. Sweet gesture offered, but ignored it, since why bother? I'd get my hopes up again, and/or we'd hook up, they ghost again, then I spiral and never grow as a person.

Bothered to respond, got an answer I didn't like that reminded me of my place as a replaceable object. Still not sure their intent, and not sure I want to waste a single extra brain cell figuring it out. Either way, for whatever reason, they offered to help me clean my depression bedroom, after someone else sucks their cock.

I should be flattered but it's the opposite, I'm disgusted.

It kinda buried any remaining emotions I had in a coffin and sealed that shit with Flex Tape. No more of any of it. Plus it probably snapped me out of the "He does care/like me, to an extent" mindset that he usually got me into, almost any time he could detect "Ah shit, she's bout to be all independent and shit, gotta come back" and suddenly pretend he gave a shit about me again. He didn't wanna actually be my friend, he just wanted to have sex with me and knew pretending would unlock that.

Turns out that having like, actual friends is 10x better. Like, "this person is a friend with zero interest in fucking me but is down to have the pleasant conversations, just for the sake of pleasant conversation, wowzers! That was possible? I can enjoy human presence without it being transactionally based on when I can bang them? That's STELLAR."

Ten times better than "this dude is gonna be super weirdly attached and obsessive out of nowhere, jealous, and hype up a bunch of things, but really, he just wants me fuck him again and nothing else."

He has someone else for that now, I'll be fine. Not like I'm lacking options. It sucks losing your favorite hoe regardless of gender, but now I can either just pull up that one bad LinkedIn photo they have and jumpscare myself out of my feelings, OR go "Hey, remember yesterday when you talked to like, 3 different homies and had 3x the amount of joy you've ever had having a conversation with That One Nigga just to get ghosted for 24 hours, and like clockwork fall back into a deep depression?"

Feels nice. Levelled up!

I hope I can see the cool dudes I talked to yesterday about movies sometime soon, even if I met them under unfortunate circumstances. I gotta watch Murder Party again, our convo unlocked that deep rooted ass memory of watching that movie before. Loved it.

And gotta prioritize texting my homie "Let's go out today" to actually take advantage of my youth while I can. I've got all this drip and no homies to rock it with.

That's all, ttyl, peace out! :D