I should be happy, shouldn't I? I should. I've got a lot of nice things to be grateful for.

I just gotta get through this week and make sure I treat myself well.

It's like you don't know where to start, right?

I thought I had it all figured out, and I often get told it seems like I always do. Yeah, that shit takes a lot of planning, effort, forethought, research, and more. I didn't wake up Mary fucking Poppins, or some shit, nope! Takes a lot of effort.

But is it worth it? I'll clean my depression room and it'll naturally make its way back up to the stage of rotting and horrifying amounts of disrepair. I'm tired of handling shit by myself.

Or I'll be the Good Friend or Good Person and all I get are annoying voice messages from friends crying and wheezing over the dumbest shit. (They have emotional regulation issues, but God, it's like I always know to expect several minute long rants of them sniffling about how something Karen-like they did bothered somebody. But people do be incompetent, so I sympathize; they're in a tough place.)

Feels like nothing is rewarding anymore? I'll get some nice shiny item and then proceed to forget about it and resume rotting in bed after whatever 2 minutes to 5 hours of intrigue it gave me maximum. I bought a video game series I loved as a kid. It helps, sort of, but I still find myself zoning out of it. I have zero interest in talking to my ex, and lack the interest to leave my house, and can't get the non-annoying friends to reply. Or, worse, I don't feel I'd be interested even when they respond.

Plus the humor in me being all optimistic and planning to leave any stress in the past. But nope! The nigga with issues who can't find me worth talking to until it's convenient for them likes to pop back up at random with bullshit or sweet nothings. It's a temporary dopamine boost, probably since it's something new and shiny.

I should be happy, right? I've got friends who love me, even some who I didn't expect to. I'm gaining confidence and also rapidly losing it, which is fascinating! I can definitely look at myself in the mirror or my laptop reflection and adore what I see, and what I do, even the kinda shit others would find unusual. But also, I don't....

I don't know. Why am I not giving myself what makes me happy? I used to be so motivated. I think I got too used to doing absolutely nothing with my ex, that now everything feels so big. When my ex made even brushing his teeth or getting up before 4pm seem like such a massive challenge, and *that's* what I dealt with for an entire fucking year, I guess that leeched onto me. Now, suddenly everything that I didnt do around him, with his low self esteem and fucking stagnant ass, feels impossible, despite me KNOWING I like it. I just... feel overwhelmed, yet underwhelmed. Doing nothing fucking sucks, but even small shit seems like tackling a mountain all by myself. Or, fruitless. I work and try to save, somehow it vanishes anyway. I've got to get up every day, brush my teeth that somehow get shitty again after a few hours, eat (then repeat after 10 minutes to a few hours, so tiring,) then... what? What do I do? Every day is either nothing, or fucking EVERYTHING it feels like. EVERYTHING is too much to do and I'm one single fucking person expected to do this shit alone.

I'll have good days that are amazing, and then bad days.

The bad days are the days alone. I don't like them. No wonder I like that one fool who likes to pretend he's into me, since then I can at least get the temporary boost of dopamine, or someone else to unknowingly motivate me to take care of myself, or force me out of the house. And I hate that, since they're not healthy for me.

Even my friends, who although can't see me often or talk that much (excluding the crier, who I still care for very highly,) tell me to fuck off from both of them. "NOOOOOOOO DON'T TALK TO HIM HE'S SUCH A PIECE OF SHIT" "AND NOT HIM EITHER" But if not them, then who? Who? Who?

It's gotten bad enough that now I'm needing stimulants. Not crack or anything, fuck no, I'm not that bad mentally. But I always thought people who needed caffeine or alcohol every day were either really pathetic, or really fucked mentally.

And here I am!

How nice. Life humbles people, lmfao.

Anyway, wish me luck. Just gotta love myself. If no one else can be around, and it's only me, it's up to me to do it. To put enrichment in my own enclosure, to take care of myself. Sure, delaying my own self progress and being able to gain energy by helping others out and feeling self fulfilled that way is pleasant, but not when it's no longer fulfilling and just taxing.

Plus, yeah I still get nervous in public. Public sucks. It's less scary to go out if you're just not afraid of sucky losers existing in public, doing strange things, like NPCs with improper programming.

I liked hanging out with my ex the other day, but I don't want to keep enabling my habit of only doing things *with* someone. I used to never be that type of person. I'd go out to eat alone with a book, or paint by myself in some grassy area, or explore random cities. I miss that. I miss that a lot.

I gotta just find myself. No more of anyone else, no one else knows what they want, and I'm not interested in fucking up my own joy that way.

I know exactly what I want. I wanna feel the same joy I felt as a teenager. The confidence in my writings, the extreme joy of making art idly and the fun behind it, boba tea and tumblr by myself, enjoying the big and little things without fearing being alone.

Alone isn't scary; the pandemic just revealed a new type of Alone I didn't know I could feel.

But alone is the best. I like myself when alone so much more versus however I've been around others.

That's all. Peace, cya.