So, I'm sitting here contemplating life at this point and I sincerely wonder, would I be happy elsewhere, am I just depressed, or do I deserve this shit I'm in?

I really laugh internally, because I am right back to where I started in life, although a strong argument could be made that it is much worse. I didn't grow up with a lot and I had to work my ass off to pull myself from the doldrums of poorness, yet here I am sitting in a house that has significantly less room and land than where I came from. I went from wide open spaces to now sitting in a house on top of my neighbors. I have no yard to have proudness for. I have no workshop to build in or repair in. I can't just go walk outside and see animals and escape the sounds of traffic and other people. It is seriously hurting my heart. I am dying inside realizing I spent a year in this shit hole.

Who can I blame? Not anyone but myself really. I let this happen to myself. I let people push me into this. I am so tired.

Now it may sound the like I am crying and suffering from poor me, but when I objectively look at it, no I'm not. I seriously did this to myself. I hate being two different people. I'm different from here at home to who I am at work. People think my life is absolutely wonderful, or at least I think they do, and they hardly know any of it.

Why do I stay? Easy. I really think I'm scared to be alone and feel for the first person to show me any attention. Now, I'm just scared as to what she would do if I left. I already watched her burn my stuff and throw things away the first time I asked for a divorce, yet I stayed. Agree says it was because she was passionate. Looking back, I now know it's because she was childish.

Why did I fall for this? Again, because I was shown how love could feel and after so many shoot downs over time, you eventually cave to the only thing left, even after all the lies and catfishing. Do I blame other women for my failures? No. I am certainly not an INCEL and women don't owe me anything. I know I'm not the most attractive person. I know I'm not the most muscular guy or there and as far as sex, yep, I'm terrible there as well. Now, have women thought I was a good friend? Yes. In fact, I've literally helped them repair stuff and introduced them to friends they would like to get to know. I guess I'm the perpetual big brother. I definitely don't mind that.

How to move forward? I don't know.