I want to thank the young person who lambasted me today on here after I answered their post. It seriously got me to thinking about my situation and all day I have been weighing conclusions. I have come to the conclusion that my life seriously is quite bad. Why you may ask? Please allow me to elaborate.

First, I did emotionally cheat. I completely admit that. I have told people that and I even told my sister and close friends. I admitted it, albeit, not at first to my wife, because I never considered it cheating, but after she informed me she thought it was, I admitted it.

So, how did I get to the point of cheating? What happened afterwards? That's quite a long story. For 8 years up until that point and 2 before I got married, I lived a very beat down existence. Well, after the first 3 years, which seemed alright, albeit, my gut kept telling me something was amiss. I ignored it. After those first three years, things changed.

During those first three years, I will admit, I was inexperienced in anything sexual, we'll even say I was close to being a virgin, but we would have incredible sex in my mind. She'd tear me up, so to speak. She wore makeup, and wore a few pieces of lingerie. She would have sex in semi-daylight. She even made me feel good about how I was, "the biggest she'd ever had." While this was happening, I did not know she was still married. She was literally married up until the month before I signed my marriage certificate. I didn't even know, the whole time, she said that guy that kept calling her or popped up in video chats was her brother, then ex, then it slipped out he was her ex-husband. She turned me into an adulterer without even letting me know I was one.

Then, something happened. It changed. I got married and I had to deal with her never making any noises during sex, not allowing me to dirty talk, never trying any positions other than two, which eventually I did get a third, after a lot of talking. I had to enjoy lights off only, it never could be spontaneous. Over those years that followed that marriage day, she would threaten me with divorce if she didn't get her way. I literally heard "Do you want a divorce?", probably close to 15 times. I would always succumb because I hate failing and I know she knew that. The reasons she wouldn't do any of the other things, was because and I quote, "I'm not that kind of girl." Literally, she stopped clawing my back, because she hated it. Why do it then in the first place? She told me I'm not the biggest and actually quite small. She stopped getting on top, because she wasn't able to and was getting too old. Hell, showers became a weekly thing. Let's just say, that's kinda gross if you get my drift.

Hell, she wore one piece of lingerie and that was after I finally said I wanted a divorce, after many years and my infidelity over the chat thing. No, it was not a threat and she didn't wear it because I threatened, she wore it to remind me what we had. I know that now.

So, why did I cheat? I know why. I am definitely not making an excuse, as there is none, but I was starved for what others have. I see happy people having fun and connection. I heard stories at work with what other guys would do with their wives or what their wives would do for them and I would think, why can't I have that? I just hid it internally and never commented when friends would ask. I would change the subject and/or make an excuse to leave.

This is me rattling...I will stop...