10 days ago my fiancé (who I’ve been with for a year and 4 months) introduced the idea of an open relationship. It was brought up as a result of him being afraid of missing out on his 20’s having committed so early to one person. Prior to us being engaged we both wanted the same thing, a monogamous relationship with each other. We talked marriage extensively prior to engagement, and concluded we were both ready. It wasn’t until the engagement that reality of commitment for him truly started to set in. What experiences might he miss out on? What things does he like? Not like? What connections with other people would he never get to feel? What parts of life was he not going to live or fulfill? There fear of missing out settled in HARD.

I was rather receptive to the idea, but the subject has me questioning SO much right now. Not even necessarily about him or our relationship, but about MYSELF. There’s no doubt that I want a life with him, but what does this even mean?

More importantly how is this making me feel? I am realizing that there is a lot of working on myself that needs to be done. Why does the thought of an open relationship confuse my emotions? Is it because there is something fundamentally wrong with the idea of an open relationship? No, logically, biologically, and conceptually it makes sense. I have had thoughts of other people, but have never acted on them in fear of destroying my partner. Now, my partner is telling me this is okay. He wants to explore other people, there must be something wrong with me right? NO. I am very confident in the fact this desire has nothing to do with deficiencies in our relationship. Things are PERFECT between us, no complaints from either one of us. Logically I can tell myself this has nothing to do with me or what I have to offer, but is something beyond/more than me. So why is it so hard for my feelings to align with this? Am I insecure in aspects of myself that I was once unaware? THIS is what I mean about working on myself.

I am slowly realizing that there may be some personal conflicts and issues with myself that need worked through, and that our journey into ENM is going to help my breakdown barriers that I have enabled for so many years, and for what? Why not live life to the fullest potential that it can provide? Why not foster open, loving connections with other people? Is society limiting my actions or am I?

I say all of this to say that I am starting to understand more and more with each passing day the potential growth and prosperity ENM can offer not only me, but my life partner as well. I don’t fault him, I don’t doubt him. If anything I am truly eager to lean into ENM so long as were cognizant along the way.

Above all, I know that feelings are going to happen, and that’s okay. But it will be what we do with those feelings that solidify opportunity for growth.

Thanks for joining me on my journey of introspection and self-realization.