What happened:

So I had a very upsetting moment yesterday .

Someone I was very close with ended up revealing after my questioning that they were catfishing me. This is the second major time in my life this has happened.

I wrote about my feelings about them in a previous post talking about the three people I've been weak for.

They had specific kinks that they were having unserved and they used my compassion and reluctance to enforce some of my basic boundaries as a way to extract my time attention and heart. Mostly they just wanted their self destructive kinks fulfilled.

I've talked about this before with my subs where I mention that a large part for my verification system is because I got my heart hurt because I was catfished by someone I had fallen in love with (this was the first catfish).

They gaslit me, they made up trauma, they became kinda desperately obsessed with me and I was happy to give and give and give because I was afraid to take, to stand to question red flags and prepare to walk away from a bad thing.

I forgave them but it fucked me up a lot. I'm intensely loyal and it gets me in trouble.

This is why I'm more verify then trust.

One of the reasons I'm the wounded wolf is in a lot of ways I don't feel I deserve love.

I feel almost like love is some kind of continuous coinslot arcade machine where you keep throwing in coins of acts of service to keep your lover happy so that maybe they'll love you back

Where you think one disagreement or one refusal to serve them is a referendum on your entire relationship

I never really knew exactly why I felt so unlovable or incapable of accepting it

I knew I had long term emotional abuse from a fucked up family dynamic but I didn't realise the exact cause of this intense desire to serve.

But today I came upon a thread on twitter by a psychologist who who wrote many common patterns that he observed with his male and female clients and the relationships they had with partners parents siblings friends and the like.

And after reading that thread and getting his book

What I have a vulnerability with:

I realised that I have what is known as attachment issues.

Put in plain speak it basically means pickmez of the past had various experiences that led him to believe that love isnt freely given but has to be earned

That I'm scared to reveal my hidden needs because of a fear of rejection

And that I'm also scared of being loved because I don't really know what to do with it .

I have a weird idea of love which is make them feel eased and comfortable and fulfill their wants all the time and maybe they'll love you

It's painful writing this because it's shockingly honest.

But I care about my readers and I want to be candid with them.

What I'm doing about this:

1) Well first things first I'm going to finish reading this book the psychologist wrote.

He talks about how to remove insecurities and tools to help I guess ease that graining fear of not being good enough, and replace it with self care with something to work towards and to stop second guessing the process all the time because I don't feel good enough

2) I'm going to keep writing as I did and the style I did. But I want to be more clear about the writing. It is an beautiful escape it's not a solution.

It's temporary scintillating tantalising comfort

and intimacy to give people time to feel

and express and find their own words for things.

It's not a replacement beyond that.

I'm not super wise, I'm fumbling and learning and inquisitive and making mistakes along the way too.

If I could give any bit of I guess good stuff from the writing I do, it's try emotionally articulating yourself more often in every way.

It helps you express your needs better and it helps the people around you that you care about be able to figure out what they need to pay attention to to listen and connect and validate your emotions.

You already know the solution more often than not, but you're not being heard.

People (I'm going to generalise here ) guys are quite thick when it comes to what needs fulfillment of their spouses is.

They don't understand intimacy and emotional connection even in dark erotic acts is the lubrication of a good sexual relationship.

Expressing yourself and being able to articulate your feelings is a way of making you able to communicate your needs to who you choose to communicate them too.

3) I'm going to be much more rigorous when it comes to my verifications and requirements for domming people online.

I've just realised that my completely open door policy had just ended up attracting some people who really like to take advantage of someone that has a open heart. So I'm going to work on that too. Better boundaries

These are what I'm thinking to do to help with the problem I'm trying to work on.

But enough with that stuff, I want your advice.

What I would like your (dear readers ) advice and help on

Do the solutions I'm thinking to implement to help me get out this attachment love starved cycle sound sensible ?

What do you think?

I care about the views of my readers because if it wasn't for them I wouldn't be able to write.

You all have little experiences and tidbits to tell , talk to me.

Send me a chat message and tell me what you think about my attempts to work on myself and fix this attachment issue that seems like a doozy of a one to work on.

I care about your views on this

Let me know x

Bonus

I labelled this as a smutty story so I suppose I'll have to (I want to, it's fun don't worry 🙂 ) end it on something hot haha

[ Adult consensual kink fantasy, breathplay, teasing, humiliation, degradation ruined orgasm, slaps and blissing out]

I bite your neck

Kiss your throat before choking it lightly

Your eyes dilated

Your body heaving

Safe and uncertain

Full blown deep fucking arousal

Those little hand squeezes I do to your mitten like hands when you cum

The breathless relentless intoxicating

Energy release

Your blissed out dilated eyes

You're heaving hot and grieving

The ache of yesterday and pain filled bliss of today

It burns and feels great

And it feels alive

like things aren't beige

You're my slut and you know it

Hot wet addicted and independent

I squeeze your heart

Like you squeeze your thighs

Against my head when I'm teasing your wet

Soaked

Cunt

Dancing around the clit

Never quite hitting it

Making you go mad with lust

You may cum so fucking hard slut x

I'm not done yet I go over and over

Your body stretched out to infinity

Blissed to the nth degree

Your eyes so dilated you start seeing space and time

You may cum again hard slut x

:)