Following on from a discussion I had on bdsm asksdvice.

What is a red flag?

A red flag is something signalling a problem.

Every person you meet and don't meet has some kind of red flags and green flags.

If we're honest about our red flags and the red flags in others we're deemed either honest and vulnerable or given a sticky label to shut us up to stop us talking about a particular topic.

Okay Daddy how does this relate to Dom and sub hookups?

There is no perfect Dom and no perfect sub

I'll repeat it

There is no perfect Dom and no perfect sub

And a third time

There is no perfect Dom and no perfect sub

If you have a laundry list of expectations you will fulfill none of them.

If you expect your sub to solve all your needs or your Dom to fix all your problems you will fulfill none of them, fix none of them and keep self sabotaging your life with your entitlement

What there is, is shades of compatibility.

Some people are more compatible than others.

Some people are obviously incompatible

There are some abusers and emotional manipulators out there.

I've been taken advantage of before online. I've been gaslit fucked around with had my heart ripped up for months and months and months.

It's scarred me and played part in me becoming the wounded wolf.

It's why I verify and don't blind trust anymore.

I needed to learn that lesson.

So you want a Dom of your own?

Codependency does happen and it's not healthy.

It's one thing to have it during a kink dynamic or set up but there always have to be time off for participants and aftercare for the Dom and the sub

Dom's can often handle the level of difficulties the sub is going through via aftercare but they also need support during their own Dom drop (low mood post session or feelings of guilt or feeling bad about the actions during the session ). Things like the sub making them cared for and feel and show them that they enjoyed and appreciated it.

The problem of abusive fake Dom's is an unfortunately all too common one. Particularly for irl, subs have to be more protective about who they end up with.

But this isn't unique to bdsm. It's just as true as if you meet someone on a night out at the club or a bar or something else.

Obviously right now during a lockdown and this crazy ass year (2020 at the time of writing )people aren't physically meeting as much due to social distancing measures.

But still people want to connect.

Now comes the uncomfortable conversation bit of this post.

If you find yourself repetitively attracting abusive doms a lot there is a red flag you're signalling that is acting as a green flag for them.

I know people don't want to hear that. They want to have no part in any even mild lick of personal responsibility and feel that they were wronged and that's all she wrote.

But there is always a implicit power dynamic at play between Dom's and subs.

Im not talking about traumatic experiences, I mean about situations where you are attracted to and seeking out dangerous men and acting shocked as to why you have the same experience over and over again.

You have agency over your life

Maybe there was a time where you didn't ans that wasn't right or fair and it's fucked up when or if you had shitty awful stuff happen to you

And in that case therapy and support is a good start.

Or whatever forward facing way you find works to help you detach the kink from the trauma and to ease in your heart the things you're dealing with that are echoes of the past.

But for new people you are meeting you are responsible for vetting and also being honest with them as they should be with you

The people lamenting most about where have all the good Dom's gone usually are the most red flagged subs there are and a big danger sign for anyone else.

Have you had people threaten or talk to you about suicide to make you worried about them or to keep or mould your behaviours to fit the way they want things done?

This is toxic and it's a red flag I've noticed before.

Have you had a sub message you in the middle of the night when they were wine drunk and express some non specific ideation when they knew you had a lot of anxiety limited sleep and worry issues about responsibility if they did something to themselves?

These are red flags that some people get away with.

So that's why understanding yourself getting help for yourself and using your own personal agency to improve is important.

Dom's can support but they can't replace

Similar to Dom's I would say subs outside of kink and general social behaviours of kindness and affection they are not your entire responsibility.

I struggle with remembering this.

Their mental health outside of the time you spend together is not your responsibility.

If they are having a low phase you can offer your help and they can take it or not but do not lose yourself in their struggle they are dealing with.

What I mean is more for Daddy Dom's but there's a tendency to worry about your subs a lot.

Have a healthy slight detachment so that you don't die when they're low

I don't know how to provide pain or pleasure even compassionate cruelty without having a love at the part of it.

Even if I'm giving into my dark desires for power and control for a time and to take and take there is always that reflection to check in and see if they (the sub enjoys it ) and will be comforted once she comes out of sub space.

Bdsm is not your replacement for mental health support. It's a catharsis mechanism but it's not a replacement for that hard work on the self.

All I do with my domming is provide a space of relief for my subs to feel and express themselves and give them the aftercare and support to make their own decisions in what they want to do.

There's a whole heck of a lot of people in life telling you what you must and should not do.

Fuck that. Most people who are sincere and honest know which direction to go in. But what they often lack is support and care and an empathy to their emotions. The full range of them.

And becoming emotionally literate to express rhem feel them and say goodbye to them when you want.

It's not to be trapped by them.

This is what I offer to my subs. Beyond the degradation the humiliation the kindness the concern the emotional and mental dominance , the intimacy , I offer a space for you to be fully understood as best I can and to articulate yourself emotionally to the full range you want to

People mistake this for perfection but it's more just being a good listener. I already believe that you are far more capable than you ever dared realise. If only people would actually listen to you

What your mind your writing, the heart and your body and intent is saying. To listen to you at the subliminal level and find out what you are feeling but can't express or put your fingers upon.

And I reassure your back, kiss you and I put my hand round yours and help you touch that ache and point of self understanding.

Not because I'm some hot shit Dom.

But because I understand weakness and pain and I understand being listened to and feeling it is more important than being lectured at.

You matter to me.