This was an adapted answer I gave recently on bdsmadvice. First is esoteric and erotic, second bit is more factual heavy.

I'm big on transparency and discretion.

I still don't know exactly what I want irl.

I'm struggling with those questions but I know when i spend those moments with you

I feel alive I feel in control for a time and

I like how you feel ease relief catharsis

dirty horny wet and comforted when I spend this time with you.

I'm nursing old pains of people I loved and lost as well.

I wish you all lived near me.

But also I wish I could integrate myself.

I provide a space for you to unwind and unravel and discover yourself without judgement

Something I don't feel I ever had and might never have.

My mind eases when I'm domming you and connecting with you

Because it's real, it's pure hot wet deep innocent expression

I might not be able to integrate myself

But I want to put a life capsule into you in the form of giving you the support

To self discover whatever it is you want

Without any shame or worry

I got your back and your front

I'm staring at you as you gaze to me

Yearning and acheing and well wishing each other

I wish it was easier.

The reason why my writing is so intense is because when you read it you become my beloved

I write like this is the French Revolution and we're two lovers locked in towers hundreds of miles away from each other. But we ache.

And I have just this moment to write and express everything to give you hope joy agony ecstasy

The full range of emotions to make you feel like we spent our entire lives together

To give you ease and respite.

To give you the tools to find yourself and be more than I was.

I feel you in my heart. When you squeeze my hands I squeeze them back

I promise nothing and I give you everything of me for a time.

I give temporary respite and ease with a hope you find a connection the divine.

But not with a prescription. You choose

All I do is give you a space to feel wanted and wet and desired and safe and uncertain

So you can decide for yourself

You may cum hard

and just feel all of this fully pour out,

as you nourish and take more in.

You may release, and interlock with my hands as you do it x

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So I'll answer from my perspective

I grew up very repressed religiously I am sort of still kind of navigating my way through it all

Had and still have a lot of emotional abuse

Irl I've constantly turned down opportunities for enacting on my desires because of my religious and mental and familial baggage.

At uni I was a excellent dancer and probably a chronic pussy tease.

I struggle with self worth.

I used to love that push and pull dynamic of getting some to show their cards to you and openly want you but also my baggage meant I didn't act on it

I started sexting a lot online and eventually this year I became a Dom from about I wanna say maybe may time or something. So it's been relatively short

I started writing erotica for exhibitiojists and slowly grew a fanbase and met more and more subs that way. Some long term some short. I mean half of it is not even sexual stuff it's mental and emotional sometimes its counselling too

It's a thousand little acts of dominance and care

I learned a lot 'on the job' so to speak.

And I have mixed feelings as a Dom. In one sense doing it online it lets me express myself fully and completely and connect fully to people who I would have been far too nervous to just outright say things too. I have been a chronic flirt in uni and I do reflexively have I guess you could say daddy Dom vibes too me

But also I struggle with guilt a lot. I struggle with my connection with my other parent who is very religious and I love dearly and how even though I tell them about this aspect of 'helping people ' and that there might be something sordid to it i am vague about it

Sometimes I think I wish I could find someone of my faith that was into the same thing so I could have my cake and eat it. So my parent would be like oh that's a nice girl to marry and all that weight of that domming aspect I naturally have could be turned over towards this person. Or better yet that I could continue with not just their blessing but their arousal too

But it's not practical or feasible atm. So I take and enjoy these moments especially during this lockdown to just sext and feel and connect with people who want that bdsm and it not just to be contained to kinky sex.

I have subs that sometimes they just tell me what they succeeded in some goal in the day and I tell them that I'm proud of them because I am.

So that's how I deal with it

I took all fucked up Ness I have and the juxtapositions that make up me and I make art.

Smutty dirty art with poor grammar but powerful prose and I try to listen to people and give solace.

I'm not an expert, I'm sure there are huge differences between domming online and that in person experience

I've often wondered if I could get maybe like a non sexual submissive in person that I could get out those Dom urges with but also have a layer of affection to it without necessarily the sexual acts itself to assuage like my guilt complex

You know something like meeting a sub for coffee and then going to a private area and having them offer themselves up for being spanked hard. And then having them recite to me their goals and what things they did or didn't do during the weak and giving them praise or punishment within a bdsm context and with those safe words and limits in place letting them get that feeling of dominance and letting me have that element of submissiveness in a partner I crave without there being so much aggressive sex (yet). I want to be as physically comfortable around subs as I was when I used to be a good dancer years back. Ofcourse some cuddling and affection but just skipping the actual sex bit because of the baggage I'm dealing with.

But again I do think that's a big ask and so I just take solace in what I can online.

For my part I think maybe you should just start writing op. You have a ton of experience and wisdom from being in the actual factual practical scene so you will be able to sense the people contacting you If they're fake or not

Maybe that's a good way of finding real bdsm people and not just those in search of kinky sex idk.

Edit: I realised I talked at length , sorry about that. I was just actively thinking as I answered the question.

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