February 21,

It’s 4AM and I can’t sleep so I wrote something..

I’ve always hated the smell of cigarettes. I’ve hated the way the scent would stick to your clothes and follow you for the rest of the night…

But as I bathe in your scent, cigarettes and cologne mixed - it’s become my favorite scent.

I hope it sticks to my skin and follows me for the rest of the night, yknow?

I hope you breathe me in, the way I breathe you in.

One last time…

I don’t know whether I am dreaming or having a nightmare at this point.

All I know, is that I miss being held…

Being touched. Being loved. Being adored..

So I hold on to you longer. Soaking in your presence for just a little longer..

Being delusional, just a little longer…

Because I know you don’t exist.

I’m dreaming.

Clinging on to the arms of solitude, like I do every night.

Clinging on to the arms of a man I’ve dreamt about and only see when I close my eyes..

I’m scared..

I’m scared to wake up and face my reality - that I’m fragile and naïve. So desperately wanting to be loved and feel safe - that I settle for breadcrumbs from men I’m willing to give my entire self to.

Men who see me as a piece of meat, while I wish I could make them a warm meal.

Men who wish to fuck me, while I wish to make love with them.

Men who wish to use me, while I wish to love them.

Men who want to hurt me, while I want to heal them.

How stupid of me to think that wolves could ever be gentle..

They’re predators.

It’s in their nature to devour, claw, and bite.

And I want to be caressed..

I want to be picked up and held, I want to feel safe.

I want to find peace in your eyes and make a home out of your arms.

So I cling on to solitude one last time tonight, because I’ve decided that it’s time he and I part ways..

I’ve decided that it’s time I seek softer eyes and a warmer pair of arms.

Ones that see me, actually see me.

So when I cling on to him, he won’t disappear when I wake up.

So I’ll just follow the scent of cigarettes and cologne until I find you again..

Only this time you’ll have a different name, no longer bathing in solitude but instead, in company.

https://ibb.co/sqWsmXZ