I don't like sharing too specific of personal details. But this is fairly safe and it isn't sexual. This was when my son was a kid. Anything sexual/sensual/or even somewhat romantic between us happened when he was 18 . I mean I have mentioned that he has always had a crush on me but I was unaware and never encouraged it.

When my son was a kid we played this co-op video game together a lot called Splinter Cell Conviction. It's a shame that co-op doesn't seem to be a thing anymore. It's all about online and the only way to play with friends is to get another system and connect to the Internet. I remember the my son and his friends would be over playing video games together and then one day it wasn't a thing anymore.

The game was two-player and stealth based. Either we'd work together sneaking around and taking targets or we'd go after each other. I remember my son getting upset and claiming I was looking at his screen to find where he was. Not actually upset but like, "stop looking at my screen mom!" "I'm not looking at your screen I'm just better than you."

I was going through some boxes today and saw the Xbox 360 in there and had fond memories. Those memories are very pure. But it does make me look back on things with a different lense. From my view I was just having fun with my son. But from his view he was pining over me. He was thinking about me in a way I didn't think he was. I didn't know so he was clearly respectful and no blatant about it but it just makes things different to look back on.

Even if I weren't his mother, there is a certain kind of power and special place in being someone's first crush. He thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world then and he still does now. I don't look back and this feels aroused. I'm not a sick freak. I don't know if I'm explaining myself well. It's like I just wonder if the moments are how I remember them. Like when I think of holding my son's hand and waking through a museum when he was a kid. I think of a cute mother and son moment. Whereas he was crushing. I know he thinks of me as his mother and views me in that way. It's just a lot to think about.

I was just in his room not long ago and we were in his bed and I couldn't help but think about his room as what it is. It's just room. He grew up in this room and now he makes love to me in the room. I remember putting glow in the dark stars on the ceiling above his bed. I just wonder about preserving memories.