I feel like everybody is trained in some way. Not particularly sexually, but in general. There's people who have parents who always yelled at them so anytime someone even slightly raises their voice that individual may shut down. I feel like I haven't been trained. Not in any way that stuck. Not to a large degree anyway. At least, maybe where it matters. I was thinking the other day about how some people are so conflict-adverse that they always have to keep the peace. Which doesn't have to be a bad thing, but it's not necessarily helpful if you need to confront someone who has harmed you.

Today, I feel like I was trained a little. Maybe. So for me, a training that I did receive has to do with connections and disconnections. I feel like a therapist could look into it deeper, but I'm not entirely sure if that would actually be helpful or hurtful. I feel like talking about your feelings with someone can be really helpful for some people, but to a degree I think it can put some people in a worse position because they might see problems that they once did not. Not problems that can or need to be fixed, but problems that they weren't conscious of and didn't particularly harm them in any way. Finding an internal problem you didn't need to "deal" with in order fix that internal problem that wasn't actually a problem until someone pointed out that it might be a problem even if it's not negatively affecting your life.

Back to what I was trying to say. I've been trained when it comes to connections to some degree. I don't think I try to over-please in order to maintain connections but I do know that there is something likely inside me that has to do with experiences when I was younger. Today in particular, I had an experience that reminded me of another experience that reminded me of another experience. Two were romantic and one (an amalgamation of many) platonic. Both were handled differently. The platonic training, if abandonment happened, resulted in me becoming very down. Emotionally drained in a way that just let out sadness. The romantic training, if abandonment seemed to be a possibility, led to me pleasing. In any way I could. Walking on eggshells. Apologizing profusely. If you're actually sorry, then there's nothing wrong with that. If you don't actually believe you need to be sorry, then there's something wrong with that.

A recent experience made me remember this training, but the outcome is actually one I'm proud of. The situation doesn't actually matter for the purpose of this, but ultimately my training kicked in while I still managed to let go of walking on eggshells. Which doesn't seem like much, but it's definitely something great from my pov. Also, the need to touch myself to these bad experiences seems to not be as strong as they once were. Or hurt myself. Which I've never actually done since I was a young girl, even then it was never because of an individual, it's always because of me. I'm still really happy, though. Right now anyway. I feel like the skies the limit. The grace I'm capable of giving is the grace I'm capable of receiving. When you have conflict, though, it can really let you see who someone truly is (?) At least, a side to them. I don't think anyone is just one thing. It is sad when you experience someone in the completely opposite way (negative) than you're used to. Maybe judging someone when they're hurt isn't the best route, but it's still sad. I hope I never hurt someone again because of my emotions. Not in a way that makes them question who I am. Then again, I think a reflexive judgement of a person doesn't have to be the final straw. We all are capable of viewing someone in a different, better light as long as we believe the other things that make them who they are is genuine. That's what I want anyway. I don't think I'm in that mindset right now, so it is a fairytale at this time. I spoke with a friend and we got into a not-so-fun-finale which is equally funny and sad. The sad part is, I don't like it when connections break. It can be admirable when someone ends things the first time you do something wrong, boundaries and all that. When it comes to women my age I definitely have received that advice before, "the first red flag you leave". I just don't think I can do that. Or want to. Within reason of course. If someone says something or does something I don't like but it hasn't actually harmed me and doesn't seem malicious, I don't care to end this. I just don't. Which may be where problems arise from. I think I've had great, quality connections. I also just think some hurt could have been avoided. Still, I just can't be deluded enough to act like I don't have issues that could be seen as red flags. If I understand myself the best, then I understand those bad qualities are still surrounded by amazing qualities. So why wouldn't it be possible this is the same for someone outside of myself? I love how accepting I am of people's best and worst side. I really fucking do. I don't want to change that. If the person understands the ways they are flawed and aren't proud of it, then I definitely will allow them to be all of who they are. Having a connection like that is fucking amazing, 10/10 would recommend. Now, back to it. The funny part is them breaking it. Like I said, no one is just one thing, but you'd expect more acceptance from someone with certain traits... temperaments..experiences. So, if you've been an outstanding citizen your whole life, you may judge someone who went to jail for a valid reason. On the flip side, you'd expect that individual who went to jail to be less judgemental of someone who didn't go to jail. Right? Idk, I've never been to jail. Maybe I'm wrong hahah. Either way, when you know someone a bit more personally you expect a bit more. A bit more kindness, understanding, conversation, quality time, et . All the good things. Which, understandably, could mean all the bad things as well. Which is okay.

Also. On a completely unrelated note. I swear there is something missing because I feel like I feel things but I don't know if I actually do. I remember telling my friend one time about how I can understand the social rules around specific situations, what you should and shouldn't do/say, but I never actually felt it. For example, if I were at a funeral. I would know what I'm supposed to say. I would know what I'm supposed to do, ie. how to behave, but I wouldn't actually feel connected to it. It would be like a character I'm playing. It's not the same with everyone, but it's pretty much a common feeling I've felt towards most people. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if people really do feel connected to others (strangers) as much as they say they do. Like, do you actually care what this person you don't know is saying? Is experiencing? I think you can understand good/bad without needing to be emotionally attached to it.

Back to training. I hope that one day I can fully let go of doing what I think I have to do and actually be myself. I hope I also keep the self awareness that I have that although I may think I'm not capable of doing wrong, I understand that because I'm human that is very much what I'm capable of. I couldn't imagine being someone who has done bad things, thought bad things, and then somehow believing that others are to be held to a higher standard than me. Not that anyone needs forgiveness from me but I think many of us need to forgive each other. Which is so weird in contexts outside of personal interactions, but I feel like if you could forgive a stranger who has no connection to you it might be easier to forgive those who you know more thoroughly. Which is a nice daydream, a somewhat perfect world where we had that type of self awareness hahaaha. I can dream :(

Also. If I actually cared to have a therapist, I'm pretty sure they'd be proud of my growth so far. It's amazing what some level-headedness and writing things out can do. Spectacular :). I feel like I'm close, but I do hope I fully heal some day.