I realized I really like the pain of hurting myself, particularly these days. At least emotionally, I don't know if it will ever be the same when it comes to the physical. I think when I was younger I could feel anxiety in my body. It was this...distinct feeling. I didn't like it. The feeling that overtakes my body now when I mentally hurt myself might be similar, but I like this feeling. It kinda makes me want to cry. Which is nice. It's like this shock all over my body. I've never felt this before, I love it. I love being mean to myself. That's kinda sad, no? But it helps a lot. When I want to feel a drastically different sensation...I just bully myself in a way. It's kind of difficult to explain. For now I enjoy it as a solo hobby. Maybe one day I can share it more intimately with someone ☺️.