I had to say goodbye to someone so important to me a few days ago. There's a contrast there. I still felt sad about the ordeal and I still actually see this person through different reminders, but the intensity of it is different. It's sweet rather than bitter.

I'm going on day 5 of my however long fast this time around. The contrast is minimal in terms of my actions. My emotions behind it are stark. I used to do it as a way to attain/maintain something superficial (nothing wrong with a little vanity!). Now I'm just trying to see what the human body is capable of first hand if I try going extreme this time. There are benefits I never focused on throughout the last 7/8 years I've been doing this. I wonder if I'll get to experience the other benefits. The other contrast is fasting vs. trying psychedelics. That's a funny contrast. Probably similar to those who try to get high off paint fumes. I don't know how close you get to the "real" affects you're looking for hahah.

I'm moving in a few months. Last time I did that I was so excited. Now I'm plagued with fear because of other decisions I have to make and yada yada. The contrast is worrying at the moment. There's two options in terms of my next steps. One is pretty and (hopefully /supposedly) enjoyable, the other is dark and gloomy.. who wouldn't choose the former?

The last contrast, the most uneventful yet eventful is based around...idk what noun to use. Regardless, I've had a few blasts from the past moments recently. Even crazier because it's specifically things/people I didn't really fancy (? ew) coming up randomly. I'd say I'm too nice but it's not particularly draining. Usually. Living is exhausting. It feels even more exhausting trying to fill others needs or wants! Can't I be just a girl living in isolation without any responsibilities or attachments to others or things. That would be a dream come true. Surrounded by mountains (more than I have around me now), a bunch of tall trees (more than I have around me now) and a hospital that's closer than the neighbours. Still. It feels necessary to give parts of myself, how people typically know me, to those that want me. I think it's because it typically doesn't require much from me. I think when I was younger and I'd have falling out with friends, I'd be dramatic in how I interacted with them afterwards. Now when it comes to family/friends/(past) partners I feel less dramatic (a little dramatic on rare occasions! haha). I don't want to be angry at people or things or situations. I think the only constant feeling I do get is sadness, when looking at the past anyway. But it's in a nice way. What word fits what I mean? Similar to melancholy, but a nicer emotional attachment to it all. I had a friend who almost died last year (? time blurs). At the time it would have hurt so badly to lose them. Now the feelings are so different, where looking back on our friendship actually makes me see the relationship in such a foreign way. Even though (!) I actually think it was one of the most educational experiences I have had. Knowing him and experiencing him was one of the biggest shocks to my system. I wish I could see an animation of it, I think it changed the course of how I experience things and people. I don't think I'll ever be able to get to the level I was once capable of. I see that as a great thing though. It was crazy times hahah. The long/short of it all is just the contrast you experience with people you grow close to. I think anyone who knows me experiences me in the same way they always have, or even better than they did if we're being honest. The emotions attached to them are so different though. The actions are still the same. Giving myself to them in the ways they've come to know me. There's something kind (?) about someone reaching out to you in their moments of need. There's also something sad about knowing my threshold to give myself is so much lower than so many people. For some people, in order to be kind, there needs to be some deep emotional attachment that exists currently. While I believe for myself, as long as it once existed I'm fine with trying to give access to who I am. The intensity behind it will not be the same, but the vestige of current emotions doesn't particularly matter in the end. It's quite sad to experience something different from others. Mourning the way someone once treated you. It's a sad experience. Not in a sweet way. I couldn't imagine treating someone in such a starkly different way if I once cared for them. At least not these days. I wonder what the psychology is behind that. People are interesting and also so boring. I hate the idea of experiencing many people in intimate ways, but I love the fact of always being connected to people no matter how close or far the relationship is. Maybe that's a problem, but I don't think so. It doesn't take much out of me as far as I'm aware. I like my energy, too. I like that I don't hide my flaws and that it forces those who experience me to actually show if they can actually accept people fully. I also love that I've realized what I'm capable of on that front. There's a contrast in that, for me, that I have come to appreciate.

Not to be too egocentric (who cares if it's honest), but I think my contrasts are great. Sometimes I wish I could experience myself. Or meet someone so much like me to truly feel what it's like to just be without judgement or lack of commitment to knowing someone. Again. Thankfully enough I know I'm not the only person with these contrasts. I just feel like you can never have enough in your life haha.