I have a hard time internalizing things from people. Good and bad. Ever since I was young. Someone could be commenting on an ability I had, giving me a compliment on my appearance, insulting me, questioning my capabilities, literally anything. It always feels like it goes in one ear and out the other. Even situations that should cause a lot of positive internal reactions never did. It's as if so much is weightless.

Maybe it has to do with my self esteem really coming from my self. The times I feel down and the times I feel really high are typically because of my thoughts. What I find value in. Not to say I'm never affected by others. I surely am. When I deeply care. I feel as though it's reserved for certain people. Very few though.

Still, I can feel emotions so deeply. Sometimes it's too overwhelming. I have no coping mechanisms. I've never done drugs, I so rarely drink I could legitimately sit down and probably count how many times I have, I don't self harm, I am not promiscuous. I have no way to let out my emotions. Sometimes working out really intensely can make me feel better, that's about it. I wish I could do something or stop feeling certain emotions. Sometimes.

The last person I was very serious with talked about how overwhelmed he became with us. I believe he is the sweetest man to ever grace my life but unfortunately things had to end. We still talk often enough and get to spend time together when our times match considering he lives on another continent. I learned a lot from him and what I want and need when it comes to the feelings of being overwhelmed.

For some people being overwhelmed is this negative feeling. It's something that needs to be fixed. I don't think so. I think it can be so wonderful, so precious. To feel so enamored with an individual. It's beautiful. I love the feeling of being overwhelmed. Of being forced upon by someone's energy. There's an aura you can feel with some people. I love it. I rarely experience it, so when I do it can sometimes feel magical. It makes my mind whirl in the most pleasant way. My thoughts crave to relive those emotions over and over again, the best time loop.

It can also be difficult. Sometimes the feelings are unmatched. Thankfully the times I've felt these emotions the other person has, as well. But, about two months ago I met someone while out and about and he became overwhelmed. It was an interesting scenario and not one I deal with too often, the one-sidednss. I was told how much he loved me even after I informed him I could not reciprocate those feelings. While I couldn't feel what he felt, I did feel all the overwhelming energy towards me. Yet, I did not mind. It did not upset me. I do not hold any resentment towards him. It's nice to feel taken by your emotions. It's nice to allow people to express themselves even if you can't give what they want. It's also rare. It's rare for things to fall in place. Or maybe there's an aspect of it all that's based on who you're attracted to. I'm typically into oddballs. I want someone weird to not stop being that way because they think that's what's expected. But I seem to attract normies (? hahahah). Which is even more odd because I don't know why ans it's so opposite of what I need and desire. I like the oddballs because it feels as if you can go further. As if you can allow them to go further. The boundaries don't have to exist in the same way that they do with others. There's so much freedom to create with each other.

I want anyone who is in my life, whether platonic or romantic, to feel safe. That's something I was told once. Which really made me happy. The same sentiment has been conveyed to me in other ways, but 'safe' is a nice adjective to hear attached to your name. There's comfort attached. I want to know I can create comfort.

But I also want the same. I so rarely get lost in my feelings that the idea of being encouraged to calm down is gut-wrenching. I want to encourage controlled craziness. I want those I interact with who say they appreciate such things, to actually appreciate such things. Few things worse than stepping into an environment and being bamboozled. Why tell someone to let loose and then tell them not to once they do?

It is scary though. To encourage people to really be who they are. Who that person is could be frightening. I've been scared before. I've been put off. So maybe I can't judge others too much. I get it.

Yet, I still want it. I want my friends, I want any romantic partner, to cause strong emotions within me. I don't want to enjoy connections that don't feel like anything. It's dull. An odd autistic boy told me normal is boring and if it's one thing those neurodivergents understand, it's that. I don't want to feel "normal" feelings. I want to get lost in everything else. I want to suffocate, I want to be overwhelmed, I want to be choked, by someone who understands this.

Nothing gets your mind running than truly letting go. I had the oddest wants with the last person I felt overwhelmed with. It makes you realize the places your mind can go, places you'd never even think of venturing towards. Places you may have never even wanted to go. How spectacular. To see yourself opening up because of new energy felt. It makes me think of the movie 'Limitless', how there exists pathways you've never engaged with. In my case, with that individual, that movie title is also a double entendre for our situation.

Crazy stuff. Anyway. I love learning about myself. Especially when it gets my body so excited!! It goes back to the first paragraph. When I so rarely feel moved, to feel these emotions, to be so overwhelmed and to be allowed to overwhelm is something that sets my whole being on fire. I love it.