my family laying in the bed
this sudden dread
did i hurt someone?

i laid before the cross
my blankets kept me
unable to kick free
i laid before the cross

God save me, i invoke
my body was losing to something
it hurt and i needed to be saved
i laid before the cross
and i awoke

i had a bad dream and i'm now sure how to take it. i often do this to myself. in the moment, caught up by feelings, i promise my word.

and then i awaken, either mentally or physical, and i break my word.

was this a sign from God to follow him? i promised to follow him but why would he do that? cause so much fear in me, make me feel stuck and alone.

maybe not to follow him but to understand my sins. talking is one thing but experiencing is another. this is a form of payment, i believe.

i don't know who sent me this dream. if it's something to take for what it told me or a deeper meaning. i want to take it for a deeper meaning. it's easier to accept it's a small understanding for my sins but i don't want to be wrong either.

God wouldn't want me to hurt, right? he would be loving. hell isn't real rationally but what if it's not based off rationality. life itself is not rational.

awareness is a sin it will be the death to my soul