I've been having an internal crisis since yesterday. I was told that my uncle passed away. I never grew up with an actual dad (shocking!) But my grandfather and uncles were always there to pick up the slack.

The only issue was, and I didnt find this out til I was much older. They were racist. They were racist, homophobic, transphobic, pretty much all of it, and I'm not really sure how but I grew up with a far more open mind than them. I was always made fun of for it by the family. For having PoC friends. For dressing and acting more masculine at times. For having a crush on a black boy at 6 years old. For literally existing and not joining in on the jokes, or for being the buzz kill.

That's where this gets confusing for me. I love them, because they are family. But I can't stand them because of who they are a people. When I came out as a demisexual who loves both men and women and everything in between I was called disgusting. I was called so many names and it broke me down so hard that I just couldn't bare to exist as I was. It was obvious to them that I was a lost cause. So after that they stopped trying. I lost all of my father figures all at once.

They still acknowledged me on Holliday's and sent me stuff for my birthday. But all that support, that bit of good that came with all that bad was just gone. I was told to "shut the fuck up" now when I stood up for PoC.

I was called a dyke bitch when I kissed a girl and they found out. I was made fun of for going into a psychiatric hospital for 3 attempted suicides and cutting at 13. (A much darker reason.)

That's why when I found out my uncle passed away yesterday I-

I didnt feel anything. No sadness, no happiness, it was as if I was told it was going to be chilly later. I told my mother I was sorry for her loss as she cried on the phone, she was in so much pain and I just wanted to get some chips. I just sat there, scrolling through reddit upvoting memes and audios.

I thought I could possibly be in shock and that I would need to let it sink in but... it's been about 24 hours now and I'm still not really feeling any type of way about it. I think that the fact that I'm not sad or upset at the death of my uncle, my father figure- is what makes me the most upset.

So today is a pretty bad day, I am in a dark place right now. But that's because I feel like a monster. This man helped raise me, he picked me up when I fell. He put peroxide on my knees, he gave me pep talks about being bullied, he helped me learn to fight, to punch, to kick, to defend myself and how to play uno.

But here I am. Laying in bed. Listening to GWA audios, watching anime, existing but sad. Not because I lost someone. But because I'm more upset that I put my bra in the dryer than I am that my fucking uncle just died.

What's wrong with me?