ok i really doubt anyone's gonna see this and i wanna write something on anything that's similar to a journal, but don't only want it to be seen by myself, yes i know it's hypocritical writing something that no one's gonna see but i want it to be seen by at least one person

my mental health keeps suffering and suffering no matter what i do, and i want it to be gone

i've got therapy in two weeks, so i might as well attend that because what else am i gonna do? it's not like i've got anything else to do. and the therapy's just six sessions long every two weeks, plus if i don't attend i'll have to get referred again

the last session should be on july 31st, and i think that's when i'll decide whether or not i wanna give up. oh, but there's a few other reasons i can't give up just yet apart from hoping therapy helps. i need to wait for one of my best friends to return. i also need to wait for touhou 19 to release since i really love that series and i'm excited for the next title to release, plus the demo's only just released too. va-11 hall-a's my favourite game and the sequel still isn't out yet either.

those are at least 3 reasons i'm still going on now, but regardless of if i waited for all of them to happen or not, would my mental health really improve? possibly. oh, but since i'm both a failure and a burden, wouldn't giving up now improve the world even slightly? i'm basically a waste of space that does nothing all day anyway. and someday i'm hoping to start a family, but i've never been in a relationship so why would that happen either? it's not like i'm gonna be set up with someone or go on another date anytime soon anyway.

i just hope that if someone reads this i can be given advice or some way to motivate myself

p.s: for some reason i find it funny that despite the fact i can use capital letters and all, i literally never do on one browser game i play every day, but that's pretty much a part of my brand now. oh and twitter too, but that's... twitter. Can I use capital letters and fancy words? Verily! but why the hell would i do that on this post, it'd make it inconsistent. i just dunno man

p.s2 (not to be confused with the ps2 console): help me. please. i just really need help. if therapy doesn't do it for me, what will? also apparently discord lets you make edits to someone even when you're blocked? i did some testing yesterday with someone and the edit went through, it's funny that while reactions can't be sent, edits can. anyway please help, i beg of someone to do it, but that's just me being selfish. no, other people need help more than me instead, so please help those people, that's the conclusion i've come to here, i keep failing and being a burden so what would help do for me? nothing

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edit: i ended up making 2 suicide notes within a week. i don't want to end it all but the urge is pretty strong. even if my thoughts are all around the place right now, the thing that sticks out the most is that i just want to disappear, even if there's still a few things holding me back. will those things be able to hold me back for much longer? idk. i don't know. I don't know. i just know that i've got the method more or less planned out for when i feel like it really is my last option. i blame myself for everything bad that's happening, both to myself and the people i care about, and that's one reason why i need to just completely disappear; to make sure that everyone around me can be happy again

i feel so alone yet the loneliness just won't disappear, it's sticking around this time i fear. the dread that i've felt today is worse than usual too. i just wanna hang out with people in person and know i'm cared about, but the closest i can do is hang out with people online. god i'm so pathetic, but i'm still here. i just want to be with other people, i think that's the main reason i wanna be in a relationship, but never being in one destroys me. it's not completely destroying me though, thinking that the people i'm close to despise me and want to leave my life does that to me as i found out. it may or may not be true

in other news, no matter what, i'll always trust people around me. if they betray me or leave me, i know it'd be my fault even if i had no clue why it happened, i just know that i find it hard to never forgive someone, i'm too trusting. it's how i've been scammed before in the past haha...

anyway i just know i'm cursed, and somehow that curse passes onto everyone around me. yet i still want to hang out with people. why? is it selfishness? is it human nature? hell if i know, but i still really wanna hang out with people, especially in person.

hi to everyone that's seeing this. feel free to talk to me about this post if you want to, even if i've never spoken to you before as i don't want to feel lost anymore, i just want to move on from this terrible feeling. although it might take therapy, who knows!

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edit 2: where are all these views coming from, i didn't even share the post with anyone 😭😭 also i'd just like to admit that i attempted to strangle myself recently, but i guess it's true that you can't do that, it was mostly to see if i could. but tbh i haven't admitted this to too many people but i've been strangled twice in my life before. the worst part? i smiled when it happened. if i died like that, i would've died smiling. although i think i only smiled during the second time, because that's when i'd already been feeling suicidal. apart from that i've nearly been ran over a few times. i'm so reckless man, what's keeping me alive anymore? is it whatever's cursed me? right now i just feel neutral for the most part so i'm not gonna do anything to myself, but what divine force decided to curse me then keep me alive through it? idgi

is this happening to me because of something i did in this life or another? i'd love to know, because i'd like the pain for me and everyone around me to just stop, but it won't. why? why do i need to keep going through this? i'd get if it was just me having to go through it, but the people around me too? they did nothing wrong, it was just me. please, whatever's causing the people around me to suffer too, just leave it all to me. they don't need to go through it, i can go through this pain alone, but do the people i care about need to as well? no, they don't, so why is it happening to them and not just me?

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edit 3: right now i just feel so lost man. why? no clue. it just kinda happened. i feel like it's happening more and more often, like i'll eventually lose myself. sometimes it feels like i'm just slipping away, but that hasn't happened too much recently. whenever i'm streaming i can act like i'm fine for the most part, but sometimes it just kinda slips out, especially with my tone of voice.

also i keep thinking about someone i think i've gotten feelings for too often. not to say that it's a bad thing, but i feel like it's too much. plus they'll never feel the same way. have i confessed yet? no. do i plan to any time soon? hell no, right now is the WORST time to do so if i had to say. but this is basically a journal that no one else is gonna see, so it's fine for me to confess here, right? i sure hope it is. so i kinda wish i could just end my feelings, but i can't. if i wanna, i'll have to end up confessing or at least find proof that they don't feel the same way rather than just imagining it, god i wish it was easy enough to change feelings without a second thought.

anyway i streamed today and feel like i made some progress on the game i played, so that's some good news at least. did i keep dying? yeah, but it's still progress!

to anyone reading this: i highly recommend va-11 hall-a and the touhou project series, both have been huge inspirations to me and i love them both dearly. do i love them as much as some of the people around me? probably not, but they're my favourite pieces of media and kinda keep me going. did i mention that already? yeah i think i did, but i've gotta mention it again. at least those can't hurt me, what are they gonna do, call me out personally and beat me to a pulp? never

also how the hell did this post get to like 8k characters long? am i really able to type that much about my feelings? somehow it's more than some of the work i've done before haha. although it's like 1.6k words long, so shorter than some of my work too