I always thought that poisoning myself made me feel loved. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. Every time I would take a bite of something I knew was poisoned, I would feel this rush of warmth and happiness. It was like I was finally being noticed and cared for. I know it's not healthy, but it made me feel alive.

But lately, I've been wondering why I do this to myself. Why do I only feel loved when I'm putting my life in danger? Is it because I subconsciously want to die? Or is it because I'm just so used to being alone that any attention, even if it's negative, feels better than nothing?

I don't know the answer, but I do know that I need to stop. I can't keep living like this, always waiting for the next time I can poison myself. It's not healthy and it's not going to lead to anything good.

So, I'm going to try to change. I'm going to start seeking out positive attention and try to find other ways to feel loved. It's going to be hard, but I'm hopeful that it will be worth it in the end.