So I screwed up, again. I'm becoming increasingly concerned that my efforts to find a long term partner are just going to turn into a long list of lessons learned; a long plain of things I've learnt behind me, an infinite field of lonely new lessons to learn in front of me. You know, an emotional New Jersey.

So how did I mess up this time? Well, I was chatting with someone who was looking for a dominant, and was very enthusiastic to talk to me. Which was great. They wanted to know what kind of rules I wanted them to follow, what I would expect them to do. The problem with that question is it doesn't have a standard answer, and it doesn't reflect how I practice dominance as a lifestyle and leadership.

At any given time, there is only so much one person can do. Does my partner want to build a natural sense of core BDSM principles? Do they want to take better care of their health? Do they want to learn and try new things? I have a list of things I want from my submissives, but the relationship I want is a multi-year type deal, preferably lifetime. No one can do everything I would ask of them right now, or even over the next year. So I to prioritize.

How do I prioritize? Well, by looking for compatibility. There are things I have a good understanding of, and there are things that my potential partners want to achieve. So you start in a place where success is likely. Does my potential partner want to dress better, take better care of their health, and feel less lonely? Well the first one of these is miles outside my wheelhouse, but the second two I can lead them so they can achieve those two. So I add "learn about clothing" to my list of things to learn, and I pick from the other two.

To take the better health, long term I would teach them about the impact of different types of exercise and design a fitness regime with them that got them what they wanted (and probably have to actually do some exercise myself again, lead from the front and all that). Short term, I'd focus on simple things, be in bed in time to have enough sleep for when you have to get up. Make sure you are properly hydrated. One rule at a time, test it, refine it, make it so it can become a consistent habit.

Most importantly, show results. Submissives want to obey their dominants, but that doesn't come out of nowhere. They want that because their dominants are someone they respect, someone who as shown that when they lead, good things happen. Someone who doesn't overwhelm them, but also goes at a pace they are capable of.

So how did I mess up. The submissive in question was in practical terms inexperienced. They wanted an example of how I would do things, and rather than putting my foot down and saying "no, I've done this before, I need to know a lot more about you before I can do that", I tried to walk them through an example. Now what happened next, I don't know. I tried to structure things not as a task, but just to let them know what I would like. And they wanted specifics, so I gave specifics. Including a reward that they probably put some work into. By the end it was a task in everything except name, I was lifestyle domming for someone I didn't know. Which is really dumb.

I have to be honest with myself. I miss assigning tasks, I miss that aspect of my life. When you are a sadist who is generally perceived as safe, casual sex is pretty easy to come by, but the kind of genuine connection you get with things like TPE, daily tasks, broader projects, that's hard to find. And so I think I just went with it. I mean made some efforts to slow things down, but I should have known better.

I'm pretty sure something went wrong, because she is now pretty quiet, and if you are hyped to talk to someone, you talk to them. Maybe not right away, people have lives, but somewhere over a few days you find the time. Now, what could have gone wrong? Well, I don't know the person, so the task might have been impossibly hard in one respect. It could also have been so trivial as to be pointless. It could have just been one they weren't interested in. See how dumb domming for someone you don't know is, however unintentional it might be? I hope it is the latter, because if they failed the task in some way then because they are inexperienced, they probably think it was their fault and not mine.

It could also be that something came up, which rendered the trivial impossible. Which is why before you do lifestyle BDSM you do something like a session zero. Session zero isn't just for D&D, a sensible dominant would have made sure that there were rules in place for what to do when things go wrong. How do you handle tasks if doing them is extremely burdensome?

So whose fault is that? Mine. I am the one with the experiences, I'm the one who has practical familiarity with lifestyle BDSM. I need to learn to say "no", and to lead. I showed a lack of leadership, and it cost me this persons interest.

So what to do differently next time? No rules discussions in a first chat except in very general terms. My partner tells me about them, they learn about me, we can talk about what rules they enjoy or would like. But nothing specific, no "eight glasses a day" or the like. And definitely nothing which is temporally imminent.