So I fucked up again. I figured doing a little writing about it would help, and maybe help someone else not repeated my mistakes.

There are a few ways of thinking I have that aren't exactly the healthiest. I'm confident, but I place a lot of my self-worth in my capacity to do things. Listen to people. Fix problems. Understand technical subjects.

Subconciously I don't think of myself as an interesting person. Concious reflection of course reveals this to be nonsense, while not everyone shares my interests or meshes well with my personality, I spend time with friends who laugh and enjoy my company.

People get me to tell them stories all the time. I'm invited to stuff because people want to spend time with me. I go on fun dates, and even when they don't work out usually both parties have a good time. I mean not always, sometimes all concerned leave glad to be fleeing the cringe, but no one bats at 100%.

So how did this inclination to undervalue myself cause me to screw up this time? Well I was texting with someone, we had agreed to go on a date, and they decided to call it off.

So, people get cold feet all the time, why do I say I screwed up? Well maybe they did just get cold feet. But when something like this happens I like to reflect on how I was treating the person, what I was likely inducing them to feel.

So, I'm not the kind of person who just launches immediately into discussions of sex. On an initial introduction I like to keep that side of things short and sweet and functional. I treat my kinks the same way I treat not wanting children or not being religious. Might as well state my hard boundaries up front so no ones time is wasted, but if it is negotiable, it is negotiable later.

But this young lady and I were vibing very well. We'd discussed sex a few times, and was enjoying discussing that with her. And she had needs that I was well placed to satisfy, I had identified a frustration she had experienced in dating, finding a guy who matched those particularly proclivities with someone who felt safe, and what do you know I could *fix it*.

Yeah, that's not healthy. It's one thing to be happy to find someone who you mesh well with and whose fantasies you can embody. It's another thing to keep seeking validation from that person in that respect every day. And the very thing that enhanced my desirability and value to this person, that I was safe and treating her like a person, vanished. And so went the attraction.

So, I'm pretty sure that insecurity really didn't do much for my potential partner here. It also left them feeling like I was only really engaged on one topic, sex. Sure I talked about other things, but after we had begun vibing so well it became as a perfunctory entertainer, not as someone really present and listening to what they had to say.

I feel like I've learned another lesson here. That's good, but I'd really like it if I didn't have to learn too many more, I'm tired.