it was my second year in college and he was in the cohort below mine at a different school within the institute. after running into each other at an art opening at the beginning of the school year, we proceeded to have a heavy flirtation all throughout the winter semester — one where we would occasionally and casually find comfort and delight in each other’s naked bodies.

i was attracted to his creativity and his experience, at a handful of years older than me he had definitely seen more of the world and lived through some challenging moments. but i broke it off after it turned out that he was lying to me and that his classmate and best friend was actually his girlfriend. i felt so naïve and stupid when she finally confronted me one afternoon and i stumbled through my confusion saying “...but he told me you were just friends!”

i never intended to hurt anyone so i angrily called him up and told him it was over, and that he was an asshole for lying to both her and i. i honestly don’t know how he thought he could get away with it, our college was tiny and everyone fucked and talked about everyone else... maybe he liked the illicit aspects of it all or he just wanted a sidepiece, feelings be damned. who knows?

after that we would still run into each other all the time, though, and we quickly fell back into being casual friends. it was just the easier option when your entire college is housed in one gigantic, multi-level building. there’s no avoiding anyone, so making peace kept the peace and i was fine with that.

that being said, i picked up the phone without any hesitation when he called me over spring break. i knew he was living in his art studio on campus and i had just returned to my dorm room that day from a beach camping trip with my on-again, off-again much older boyfriend. he asked if i was around and if he could come by with some beers to hang out. my heart was already racing as i thought about the possibilities, he was one of the best lovers i had ever been with and i really missed the easy intimacy that made our time together so compelling. i knew what he was asking and how things would go down if he came over.

the stupid slut inside me won over any inner conflict i had. “sure, i just got back from the beach. let me take a quick shower to wash the sand from my hair and i’ll see you in half an hour?”

he knocked on my door as i was toweling my hair dry, the once vibrant teal faded to shades of seaglass greens and blues. he walked in, handing off a twelve pack of newcastle brown ale to me before putting down his satchel and pulling me in for a hug. “your hair looks gorgeous, i love the colors.” he always knew the perfect thing to say and with those words, he brought us right back to where we had begun. he pulled out some records and slipped that first licorice pizza onto the deck, and immediately after dropping the needle we were already tangled up in each other’s arms.

we spent the whole evening like that, fucking like long lost lovers and endlessly spinning records. i sipped on a few beers as he got progressively drunker and the sex got sloppier and sweeter. i could tell that he was looking for something in my arms, like he was lost and trying to find a way back to humanity through shared skin contact. i found myself holding him, gently brushing his hair back from his sweaty face, tucking a piece behind his ear before kissing his forehead.

“i missed you, i missed this,” i whispered in his ear and that’s when i noticed the shimmer of sadness in his eyes. a tear slipped down his cheek as i felt him tremble, but he reeled it back in and nestled further into my arms while softly telling me that his divorce had been finalized that day. it all made sense to me in that moment. i knew he had been waiting for this day for a long time, his ex-wife was a woman he married at eighteen and separated from before he even turned twenty. the clock had finally run out on the waiting period set by california law and he was once again a free man.

i held him close and let him cry. he didn’t have feelings for her anymore, but raw emotions are powerful and i knew he came to me so that i could help soothe his soul. it was one of the most intimate evenings of my life, but also a moment where i felt my power as a sexual being grow. he showed me what i could do to and for a man... that there is much more that i can offer than just my body.