one of my closest friends and i just ended the sexual side to our friendship. we’re still very good friends and regard each other as our respective best friends. he was my first time and i, of course, have a lot of feelings associated with that. we never really talked about being in a relationship or making things official. but towards the end he got a date and it caused us to break off the sexual relationship we had. it was mainly because i was hurt by his decision and i couldn’t process why he wouldn’t want that with me. it still confuses me, but ever since we stopped doing that, i feel a little more clear minded. however, i was getting everything i needed from one person without the label: the love, the care, the attention, and feeling like his one person. he went on another date recently and ended up hooking up with them. while i’m happy for him (truly, i am) i feel this hollowness inside of me. i’ve resorted to texting guys on dating apps just to get an ounce of the attention that i used to. i know that nothing new will measure up. but i feel so empty without it. it doesn’t feel like a breakup because we still talk all the time but something inside of me shifted. whether it be that i miss that closeness with him or just in general, im not sure. i’m not the type to hook up, out of fear that i’ll feel worthless after. but lately i’ve been getting closer and closer to just going for it so i can momentarily feel peace. personally, i have a date coming up this weekend. i think once i get more experiences under my belt (i don’t have many experiences) then maybe i’ll feel saner. it’s important to note that i’ve only had experiences with 2 guys. my first kiss and the current person (it lasted for about a year). so now, when i think of my love life / sexual life, he is the only person in my mind. and it was a great experience and i wouldn’t wish for anything different. but i think i need some extra padding. some more dates and some more sexual partners might lessen the intensity of emotions. in full honesty, my life feels empty. it used to feel this way before i started things with him. i guess i never healed and now it’s all back again. back then i had distractions, i was getting my degree and i was drinking a lot. now my life should theoretically be easier but it’s hollow and empty. i have nothing to look forward to anymore. i come home to nothing and have no one to talk to intimately anymore. there is nothing in my life that brings me joy.