There's a reason BDSM uses the word 'kink' when describing the practices it represents. It refers to something that used to, and is supposed to be, straight, but isn't anymore. Think of a metal pipe. A 'kink' in the pipe means that the water can't flow as smoothly anymore. There's something 'wrong'. Perhaps someone used the pipe to bang it against something else, which bent the pipe to the point it could be considered to have a kink in it.

We can also apply this understanding to human sexuality. The average person has a specific way of how they express their sexuality. A person with a 'kink' might express their sexuality in a way considered abnormal.

I'm not a kink historian, so I can't say exactly when, but I'm assuming that at some point in human history, the people with kinks realized they weren't alone, and created the abbreviation BDSM so they could have a community of their own. To not be the 'odd one out', and instead belong to a group of people who are not so different from themselves.

I'm guessing that somewhere along the line, the average people started catching on to the 'kinky' people and their community and moved into it. In that process, the spirit of what the term BDSM represented got lost.

That's what I sense when I browse subs related to finding 'bdsm' partners. The average sentiment is, "I'm horny, and I want to satisfy myself." You can see it in how people write their ads. It's all about getting their own horny feelings satisfied. To them, engaging in bdsm means fulfilling their sexual desires. That's not bdsm, but having fetishes. A fetish is more of a response to satisfying sexual appetite, as it is engaging with kinks to satisfy something coming from deep within. It's more about 'engaging in certain behaviors to satisfy sexual needs', and less about 'fulfilling an innate need'.

In other words, BDSM has become more about pleasurable experiences (a fetish), and less about identity (a kink). Meaning, people who use BDSM to get off aren't the same people who need BDSM to fulfill their kinks.

That's evident from people only engaging in BDSM as 'roleplay', or in the bedroom, or 'when they're in the mood for it'. The BDSM comes out for some spicy fun, and not as a solution to a deep-rooted, naturally present need. It's also evident from the fact that when the horny fades, the BDSM also fades.

Sentiments like, "It's the submissive that's ultimately in control," represent this difference. It insists on ensuring that there's still equality between the participants of the dynamic, after the fetish satisfied the sexual need.

Now, if you've paid attention, that's not necessarily a relationship based on kink.