I wanna say in no terms of uncertainty and in full seriousness: I want to kill myself. I'm not going to but man do I really want to. I feel trapped and stuck and it's going to take another 2 months to not feel that way. I'm broke so I can't go anywhere. I'm boring and shy so even if i do go somewhere, I'll be stand offish and scared to talk to people. The only reason i keep doing this Journal thing is because i need an outlet and i know this won't get far and if it does hooray, it doesn't make a difference. I'm just tired of feeling this way. I feel like shit. I'm lonely and bored and sick of being me where just about nothing that i want to do works out and i just gotta take it. I just gotta do things i don't want to. I just gotta take what's given to me. I can't defend myself because my defense is dumb abd stupid abd flimsy. I can't call other people out because they know what's best and work hard and have reasons that i couldn't understand. I can't trust anybody because everybody sucks, but i can't be a dick because everyone should be treated with respect and consideration. I can't say that i objectively think that i don't matter without offending someone. Just fuck man. I'm can't. I just can't, but i have to. I have to keep going because "it'll get better one day," "your just a kid with nothing to your name once you get older and meet people and get out there life will become easier." But does it? Does it really? Is living in a house where your mom is constantly one step from a mental break down, a cousin cousin with two kids who had their baby daddy who was providing for the family and living and being an actual dad to his child taken away by the government before the second child was born, and a grandma who is suffering with dementia having to be moved here because her son was neglecting and stealing from her the good life. Is this the better life that people talk about or is it one of the multiple 'minor' bumps in the road. Life doesn't get better for the unfortunate. And when at 19 years old, no prevalent father figure, racked with financial issues, possibly undiagnosed mental issues, familial issues, unstable future education and future plans,and personal issues i think I'm just unfortunate. But go ahead and denounce my problems, go ahead and say other people have it much worse than you and you should be grateful for what i have, say that my problems don't matter because you're right why would the problems of a nobody matter? Why would someone who thinks they don't matter say otherwise when someone else says it. I'm just saying bullshit. Every word i just typed down, every word that I've thought and said is complete and utter bullshit. I'm just a privileged no nothing black boy who didn't grow up in the hood or had flee a country, or experience war, what do i know about hardships, what do i know about anything in life. Nothing apparently. I know absolutely nothing. I'm just selfish, and inconsiderate, and stupid and a lier with no common sense and an inability to express emotion. So since I'm not gonna kill myself I'll just resign my life to being walked all over, because, even though i have nothing to live for at the moment, Nobody depends on me, I'm a leach, and my disappearance won't impact anybody my age or younger, i can't die because my mom will be sad and doing something knowing you're making someone else sad is selfish and bad. So I'll just live life hoping that i won't meet any of the billion people that won't just fuck me over and that the government just stay the perfect definition of fair and unbiased and that I'll find someone who i love but will also love me(who I hate) and that we'll just live in a nice place and no hardships will befall us. I'll just hope that my insecurities and self loathing doesn't get in the way of building meaningful relationships. I'll just continue living not hating myself in the process. Ya cool. Awesome. Great now i definitely don't want to kill myself to end this meaningless life. I'll just stay naive, stupid, depressed, and lonely. Thanks world and thank you reading all this, me.