I wonder how people see normal days. Like days in where nothing noteworthy happens. Do other people see them as good days. I mean I know that people see them as good days but I mean like normal people that don't go out of there way to spread positivity and people who see the world and think, "this sucks but it's worth it". Do they see boring uneventful days as good days or do they think of em as not good or bad. I call those days meh days and I don't know how to feel about them. I can't complain but I don't want to be content either. It just reminds me that my life is incredibly boring due to my own inactivity and youth. Today is one of those days and I'll say it takes a lot less to worsen mood than to raise it. I think I read it's something psychological. Bad things affect you more than good things or the same magnitude. It's a sad human condition. It affects me most when I'm playing games. I've only been playing Smash or Rocket League recently but it applies to all games. I've gotten to a point where I don't expect to win a match or beat a level or get past an enemy most of the time. I start with a negative mindset and if the video game gods decide to deal me a bad hand I make it out to mean that I'm just bad at the game get tilted and become horrible. Smash is the worst offender. I just get my ass handed to me by Marios, Luigi's, Warios, Foxes, Wolves, Falcons, Heros, all of the Fire Emblem characters, All two of the Links (because I have yet seen someone use Toon Link) Zeldas, goddamned Ganondorfs, Pikachus,Pichus, Jigglypuffs, Pac-Men, Mr. Game and Watches, Captain Falcons, Snakes, Fucking Nesses, Pokemon Trainers, Little Macs, Sonics, and here I am just trying to be good with Isabelle. It honestly makes me want to stop playing games period with how annoyed and angry I become at myself. And then that anger settles to just a feeling of inadequacy. It makes me look at my life and I just feel like I'm bad at everything. Bad at games, bad at my hobbies, bad at interacting with people, bad at being interesting, bad at living. Just bad at everything. And now the day is ruined and just about nothing can make me feel better about myself. It's a loop that happens a lot on days like these. And at that point I just want to sit in a corner and destroy my attention span on my phone or computer until I fall asleep and truck myself into believing that maybe today I'll be better than yesterday. I'm not religious but I'm not an atheist. I choose to believe in a God or higher beings and sometimes I get the feeling that they just like to make sure that I don't feel good about my abilities. When I'm on a hot streak in life or feeling good about something, that's when they say "Fuck you. You did something wrong or you're not as good as you thought you were, now keep losing in life until you hate yourself again." That's what it feels like. Like someone is saying, "Go fuck yourself for being happy about anything." I know where I stand in my life. I understand that I'm not special, but I'm gifted in a few things. I get that I'm not going to amount to much and that if I'm incredibly lucky I'll find someone and have kids but I also know that it's more likely that I'll float around life not settling down and eventually dying alone. I'm prepared for that. I don't need a reminder that I'll most likely die hating myself for all of this time wasted on just being a nobody on the internet thinking that I'll be somebody. Others who have drive and determination can be somebody even in the smallest sense. I'm less the people that try and fail because I don't have the drive to try. I wouldn't say I'm afraid of failure because I am its embodiment by eating, breathing, wearing, excreting failure at all times everyday, but I'm afraid of failure so tend to avoid making big decisions in my life ultimately plunging my self worth and preservation down the black hole bit by bit and eventually inconveniencing everyone around me. Honestly I usually play off my feelings as a joke, but do you ever just say out loud "I want to fucking die" as like a funny ha ha joke. I say it seriously and laugh it off later because that's the joke. At this point my life is me feeling and saying and thinking "I want to die" and then living for another two weeks because I don't have an actual reason to die yet. And don't worry hypothetical person number 2, I'm not going to kill myself... probably. I mean with the way things are going I'll be offing myself by my mid 30s. But in all seriousness, I'm not going to kill myself, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Blah blah blah blah blah. Suicide's not for me. I'm not dying by my own hand. There. Now thank you once again for reading me being melodramatic and not actually saying anything substantial. You're either really empathetic or incredibly bored. My fedora's off to you either way good person. Thank you so much for giving me even a little bit of your attention. You have no idea how much that means to me. Now it's time for me to go play Smash until I hate myself just a little more.