Oh little dove, this was a story I hoped to never write. Usually when I write these stories it’s because the end has come and it’s a way to get all my thoughts out. But yours hit hard. I actually wrote a story about you when we were together and you loved it. I never posted it, even though I was debating about making a little mini series about you. But to talk about you in that light now doesn’t feel right. Sure, we had a blackmail dynamic and I certainly took full advantage of that. But to paint you as a slut for others to read feels dirty, when everything you ever did for me was with love. So this is an open letter from me to you. A place to express my thoughts and things I didn’t get a chance to say. I can’t imagine you’ll ever see this. If you do it’s probably a dark time in your life. And I don’t see that happening anytime soon. But in any case, hi baby. I’ve missed you.

The beginning

I noticed you had followed me on Reddit one day. I do what I always do in that situation and stalked your profile page a little. Partly the voyeur in me, partly to see if there was potential in you being my blackmail girl. I didn’t see any red flags and floated out a message to you. Not even really expecting a response back. But to my surprise you did. I still remember this day quite well. I remember you had a picture of yourself for your display picture. You were quite beautiful. Exactly my type. The type you wouldn’t expect to be interested in something like this. I remember you apologizing all the time because your nails made it hard to type and you asked my forgiveness on any spelling mistakes. I remember how natural it was talking to you. The conversation just flowed with ease. You were so intelligent and stimulated my mind so easily. We talked so much in the beginning. You just felt… familiar. You commented on it too. You were a breath of fresh air and yet so intoxicating. I often warn people about blackmail before beginning because it can ruin your life in more ways than one. There’s the obvious way of being exposed and your life falling apart from the consequences of being horny. There’s the other way with this becoming so addictive that you push yourself past a point of no return. But then there’s another way, and that’s where I find myself the victim of this time, falling in love.

One thing we talked about that really stood out to me, the concept of love and fear. The two original emotions where all other emotions stem from. And that’s exactly my style of being a dom. A soft daddy side that’s full of love. And a more sadistic side that loves to instill fear. When I do blackmail it’s always different and usually what happens depends on who I’m talking with. I remember we talked for about a week first before doing anything. And for me with blackmail, that’s an eternity. Usually I start out finding out why they’re here, talk about kinks and what not, and as a rule I always verify everyone early on. You were the exception to that. I only knew what you looked like from your Reddit picture. You could have easily been a catfish or someone trying to get their exgf exposed. But you were different. I felt something with you. You were a lot like me. I could feel you on another level. I know we talked a lot about twin flames and I wholeheartedly believe it. Every cheesy, disgustingly cringe, bull shit Hollywood movie trope comes to mind, but somehow with you it’s all true. You were most definitely real. I don’t know what I expected from our first time, but holy shit, baby. You were a woman possessed and drunk on my words. I have a fucked up mind and you complimented it perfectly. Whatever I came up with, you took it and turned it into a beautiful work of art.

The middle

All sunshine all the time makes a desert. And if that’s the case we certainly had a flourishing relationship. What can I say, we had an interesting relationship dynamic to say the least. Life is complicated on a good day, but especially so for us.

I always value good communication and you certainly took that to heart. You were never shy to voice how you really felt, and even though I could have destroyed your life a million times over, that never stopped you. But fuck, that’s what I loved about you. I attribute my beard greying so fast because of you lol. You are the most complex, complicated, and rewarding little girl I’ve ever had though. I know our circumstances weren’t ideal, but I wouldn’t change a thing about it. I got to see the real you. That’s what I love about blackmail. People are always so disingenuous because they’re worried about being judged or what others think about them. They are guided by their insecurities and anxieties. Not with blackmail. That’s a lot more intimate. Everything you hide to the world is mine to see. Knowing the thoughts you think that no one else knows. I know the real you. And baby, you’re a beautiful soul.

We had a lot of ups, and a lot of downs in our time together. I know a lot of big life events popped up and it made everything more complicated. I know it was hard on both of us. I know I felt it. And I know you felt it too. Your love was always brilliant like the rays of the sun. But it felt equally dark and cold when you weren’t around.

The first time I wasn’t sure if you were coming back. We had a big talk. I don’t even remember about what. You were quiet. I didn’t hear from you everyday anymore. I still messaged you. I still reminded you how much I loved you. That I’m still here with you. And to my surprise, when I started to think you were gone for good, you were back. So much full of love and joy. Nothing else mattered. I didn’t need an explanation. I knew. I know you. I could feel it. I didn’t need to hear the words. Nothing needed to be said. All that mattered was you were home again. And that became our little routine. Almost like a game of hide and seek. You’d be gone. So much time would pass. And then suddenly you’d be back. I was always happy to hear from you.

The end

There’s a show I love to watch based on my favorite book. It’s about the birth of Americas counter terrorist unit and the show has a lot of good values and quotes. And one of my favorite moments is when the new guy, Bob, is forced with a dilemma. His unit is being shut down and investigated for crimes they didn’t commit. Meanwhile he’s new and wasn’t really apart of any of these alleged crimes. His team is scattered around while trying to independently investigate what is really happening. But Bob is tapped by the CIA to find his former team leader and bring him in. Bob tracks down his former team leader and he has a talk with him now about trust. See, Bob has a choice here. Be loyal to his former team and give them information from the side investigating them, or work for the CIA now and save himself and his family. Well the team leader says something that always stuck out to me; a man can’t serve two masters. And that’s where I found myself with you.

I know we had a lot of difficult talks in the middle, and now you told me you had a boyfriend. You were quiet before you told me about him. Scared of my reaction and how I might handle it. But that wasn’t uncommon. But now I always wondered if that’s why you were quiet. You told me during this talk that no matter what you couldn’t lose me. You credited me with saving your life and that no matter what we would make it work.

I was skeptical of that. I know you. You’re not the type to casually date around. You don’t need anyone. Your children are your entire world. So for you to have someone you call boyfriend is a big deal. But those were your words, and if you said them, they must be true. I clung to those words because I desperately wanted them to be true. But as time went on it wasn’t my words you were drunk on anymore, it was his. And that’s how I knew it was time to let you go. A man can’t serve two masters. Everything you do is with love, and that means never giving out anything less than what you’re worth. You can’t give half your love to him or me. It’s all or nothing. And I was already feeling more like a loose end than someone you loved. I respect you enough not to force you to make that decision. I couldn’t be yours either. The things I would have to do for that would mean you never feeling safe with me again.

And so here we are. This is the longest we’ve gone without talking. What matters most to me is your happiness. I always strived to see you happy and that’s all I really care about. Sometimes being a daddy is healing those you love so they can grow and move on. I know being a great mother and a loving wife is what makes you your happiest. You are a little girl with a large heart full of love. Love for anyone lucky enough to get a taste of it. It doesn’t come easy to anyone. And I’m fortunate enough to have earned it for the time I had it.

Now, little dove, one thing I know about you is this, you spent your whole life with shitty people in it. You spent a lot of time becoming strong, stronger than you should have ever of had to. You take care of yourself and are fiercely independent. Because you’ve always had to be. But like all great nations, you’ve spent all this time building up your defenses. That your only downfall will come from within. Please take care of yourself. Eat. Drink. Take your meds. Do something for you. Don’t close yourself off from those you care about. Everything will always be okay.

I know you baby girl. I still feel you out there. I still see glimpses of you out in the world. I still see you when I look up at the night sky. Everything happens for a reason. I still believe we met when we did and that the universe put us there for a reason. That things ended when they were supposed to. I don’t feel it’s the end though. You may not be mine right now, but someday, you will again… love or fear, be mine. I’ve always been your prince at the bottom of the tower waiting for you. I’ll always wait for you. You know how patient I am. I promise if not in this lifetime, I’ll find you sooner in the next one. I’ll always be your monster that guides you in the dark. There will always be a little doved size hole in my heart that only you can fill. You will always have a home here. You will always be safe here.

I love you more…