It’s said that a bee sucks the sweetest honey from the most bitter flower.  

While I’m sure that has yet to be actually proven, I will say that my experiences over this last year have led me to believe there is truth to be had in that statement.

Sadly, for many of us the year of Covid has come to symbolize a bitterness that will be felt for generations to come.  We have all lost so much- loved ones, jobs, peace of mind, and the comfort of our general sense and understanding of the world and how it should be.

For me personally, the bitterness was my loss of constant distraction.  Until the day came when the world seemed to stop spinning and there were no more things to do, places to go, people to see….did I finally find myself, probably the first time in my life, having nothing but time to think and contemplate where I was in life and why.  And maybe more importantly, where I wanted to be.

It’s no secret to those who know me that  I’m a people pleaser.  I always have been.  I am constantly thinking about what the others around me need and I truly do get joy from meeting those needs.  The problem for me, was never taking the time to realize my own wants and desires.  Though clearly naturally sexually submissive too, I never took the time to seek out experiences that would fulfill that particular need.

I can only speculate that due to these feelings being repressed for so long, when they finally surfaced, the result was an almost desperate attempt on my part to meet those needs, even if it meant engaging in what many would regard as very reckless behavior.

My journey began with just a little fun reading. When Covid hit, I began to read a lot more and I found myself drawn to erotica fiction with a BDSM or non-consent focus.  Eventually I moved from reading stories to joining online groups with people who shared similar interests..  

Although I would read and lurk, I was very hesitant to engage in conversation at first.  I’m relatively nervous to try new things (which is code for lacking confidence if one is truly being honest).  

But after reading one post after another, one in particular caught my eye.  It was a guy who was offering a blackmail experience.  Now you might be wondering why a self-proclaimed shy woman..too shy to even post much on a BDSM support group,  would decide to make her first outreach something that extreme.  Who knows?  I suspect a part of me was desperate for an experience at that point and yet knew that without a strong push I probably would never take the risk.  Or maybe Covid life had just simply become so boring I couldn’t stand it anymore.  

Whatever my reason, I sent a message to this man. I don’t remember the exact quote, but something along these lines: 

“What is wrong with me that even though I should be content in my life with my job and family..reading your offer makes me so turned on I don’t even know what to do with myself.”

While my exact verbiage is fuzzy,  I do remember with perfect clarity his: 

 “Oh sweetheart, we’re going to have some fun with you.”

Mmmm...Now THERE was some promise of the excitement and thrill I was looking for.  This might really be some fun, I remember thinking.

But of course, it was going to take more convincing than that to get me to just sign over my life.  After all, I had an awful lot to lose.  I was a wife, mother, and a very well known and established person in my community.  I did NOT want exposure.  I just wanted to experience something that I couldn’t quite yet name or understand completely.  And I was fairly certain he might be the one to provide whatever that was.

Our banter went back and forth for another hour or so.  He would ask questions.  I would play the coy card (to the point where cute crossed over to annoying, I’m sure).  But he was ever the patient and persistent one.   I could gather he was intelligent and for me, that’s a must.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to fully submit to someone I couldn’t respect in that way.

Eventually we said goodnight and agreed I would take the night to think about it.  This is where he did the first of many things I would never expect. 

He actually found me!  Within about 2 hours, he knew my full name and so, so much more about me.  I woke up the next morning to his text:

“How would (insert my boss’s name) feel about your new little ambition in life, (insert my full name here)?”

Well, my heart just about stopped beating when I read that and considered the implications- as I’m sure you can well imagine!

I had the feeling that if I truly didn’t want this- IF I really didn’t want to play along- then I could have told him right then and he would have left me alone.  Even after getting to know him in the  2 month long dynamic that followed, I still believe he would have let it go if he thought I really wanted that.  

I mean, I think he would have….. I’m 99.9% sure of it.   But then again, that’s the point right? Therein lies the thrill.  With blackmail, you don’t really ever know FOR SURE.

In that moment though, I made a consequential decision. I was going to roll with this.  I was going to play along and be his very good girl.   After all, I was good at being good.  I could be good at being bad too...maybe. How hard could it really be, I reasoned.

It turns out….FUCKING HARD.

I’m not going to sugarcoat it here.  The beginning was not at all what I expected. 

Keep in mind, up until this point, I had lived a very vanilla life, sexually.  I hadn’t done anything that would be considered kinky.  At most, I had read stories about it. 

So in my head, I’m thinking:

Day 1:  Maybe a picture of me in my bra Day 2: Maybe a nude picture without my face Day NEVER:  anything inserted into my ass

Now here’s HIS thinking:

Move day never up to day 1.  

So you can see how the expectation alignment was off by a significant degree, right? You can see how that might account for me having a complete, total meltdown- which I absolutely did!

And I bet you think after hearing my outburst of shock and  indignation that he would let up a little.  You might think he’d show enough mercy to at least move “day never” back about 30 days or something. 

Well if that is what you are thinking,  you would be absolutely wrong. That is not how my story unfolded.

Truthfully,  I don’t even know how he got me past that first day, and even looking back now I’m pretty impressed with his persuasive techniques.  He seemed to know the perfect recipe for my submission.  Just the right amount of threat, combined with reassurance and praise. 

“You’ll be just fine,” he would often say when I would begin my chorus of “I can’t possibly..there’s no way...WHY GOD!!??” after each and every order was given.

In that first week, our relationship developed into a somewhat predictable routine: He would make a demand.   I would react in utter disbelief and indignation that he would suggest such a thing.  He would threaten me with an even more humiliating and degrading task and remind me once again of the consequences of disobedience.  I would then usually resort to begging and pleading for mercy.   And being the nice guy he was, he would always offer “mercy” at this point- by allowing me to do the first degrading thing he had originally demanded (followed by his infamous line of course... ‘You’ll be just fine”).

And for whatever reason, this always seemed to work.  I would break down and do the original task, feeling somewhat grateful for his “mercy”.  And after I finished the task to his satisfaction, he always offered his praise. 

That first week or so was spent just trying to reconcile my expectations with my current reality.  There were moments of  “What was I thinking doing something like this!”.  I had so many emotions running through me all the time.  I can’t even begin to describe the anxiety and anticipation every time my phone would alert me that I had a message from him.  

There was definitely fear, of course.  Fear that I might not be able to bring myself to do something he demanded. Fear that maybe I misjudged him and he would consider exposing me at some point. 

But those fears soon took second place to a much more terrifying truth:

I liked his abuse.  More than that-  I was beginning to crave it.

Instead of feelings of anxiety when he would call on me, I would find myself instantly wet and ready for him.  

And I can honestly say in the beginning I was not turned on while performing my tasks.  But after I had time to process things, I would look back on the degrading thing I did and the memory of it would make me so hot.  

Predictably (for him at least) , it didn’t take long before I began to enjoy the acts in the moment of performing them. So much in fact, I could just cum right in the middle of licking the toilet bowl if that’s what he ordered me to do.  

You could say I  was becoming a little depraved.

Depraved because I had been deprived of an outlet for my submissive needs for so long,

I know this next part is going to sound a little Stockholmy.  But the truth is, I did eventually get to a point where I just wanted to please him because I liked making him happy.  While I still had a healthy fear of him, it wasn’t my primary motivation for obedience anymore.  He became someone I could talk to and share things about myself that I would never tell anyone else.  He was a great listener. He could be harsh, but also kind and empathetic when the moment called for it. Somehow, he left me feeling used, but yet appreciated.  That is the best way to describe it I guess. 

Reflecting back on this experience, I’m quite sure that had I not chosen blackmail, I never would have explored this side of myself.  I was just too reserved and self conscious to bring myself to do things.  Though it might not be the recommended introduction into the world of dominance and submission, it taught me so much about myself and my desires..  This experience has given me the confidence to continue on my journey of fun and self-discovery.  Though now I no longer have to be “forced” into trying new things through blackmail.  Now I can explore power exchange and submission through a more traditional BDSM relationship.  

I know this all sounds crazy.  And maybe I am a little sick.  I think we all are, if we are being truly honest with ourselves.  

And I also know some will hear this story, shake their heads and think I got very, very lucky to engage in something this risky and careless, yet come out all the better for it.  

And to those people I would respond, you are absolutely right. 

This might’ve ended much differently if I had been in the wrong hands. 

That being said, fortunately my experience is what it is.

And with respect to this personal journey I’ve lived, it turns out the sweetest honey did indeed come from the most bitter flower.