When it comes to being the submissive in an abusive kink relationship, am I the only person who thinks there is a difference between being raped hard or softly?

The Agreement

In my last relationship, my partner could never keep their hands off of me (even in public). Personal I didn't mind too much, I loved being her little slut. But there were still grounds rules in place For our Public Displays of Affection as well as our homelife. The out of the house rules were: No molesting me in front of friend, family, or places I could get recognized. The at home rules were: I'm to be left alone while cooking or doing chores, and not to interfere with phone calls. anything else was free game.

fantasy roleplay (Soft Rape)

I was ok with her forcing herself on me, if we had a preexisting agreement (being a "Soft-rape"/roleplay fantasy), I loved when she would wake me up in the middle of the night already on top of me, pinning me down, and calling me her bitch. I would lightly push her away in a playful manner. It was a mutual prearranged agreement.

Activities Against My Will (Hard Rape)

The problem was she would break our ground rules constantly. she had no self control and would do things that I had previously expressed wasn't ok, (being a "Hard-Rape"/phycological traumatizing). She would do things like, grope me in front of friends to assert her dominance, and eat my ass while I would be trying to cook dinner, because she knew is made me upset (she thought I had a cute pouty face, when I got upset). A few times she pushed me down and force me to cum from a blow job while on the phone with my parents. She thought it was funny, the way I made cute faces trying to hold my voice during the calls (she would tie my hands and hold the phone so I couldn't hang up.

The fallout

As the relationship started to fall apart, I was constantly naked, collared, and on my knees worshiping her by licking her pussy (roughly 5 hours a day). I think I still have Stockholm syndrome, because even though it's been 5 years since she left, I still miss her and the way she would harass me, never letting me go a minute with knowing I was her personal sex object. Looking back, I know the relationship was unhealthy, but I still miss absolute level of sexual harassment and abuse she put me through. It totally flipped a masochistic switch in me

Recovery

The good news is I got to became a full time sissy slut and get fucked by plenty of guy. Lately I've even be getting passed around a friend group of BBC, who have really been keeping me busy between satisfying them and doing my college homework.