typing from my phone

Shogun,

that vision keeps on haunting me. do you really want me to write it down? it is the most horrible thing. i am separate, desolate, unconsolable, unforgivable. the map has been laid out - there is no salvation. only a bottomless abyss. and she, even though it isnt about her per se, she will recognize herself in it. the essence that she has come to represent in my limited understanding.

i am listening to those pieces again. music from a former life, when i still believed. theyre all i have left from those dreams. and i remember all the hurts along the way. they are still fresh in a sense, even though its been more than a decade. did i ever love music? or was i just carried away by a misplaced ambition? to reach out, to understand, to be better. to connect and matter. to be part of something.

no. none of that were in my cards. and i know that so well now that i cant fool myself into another dream.

i cry for two people every day. my former self, and the me that never was.

Saiai wont be there for me. will i ever find someone who will be there for me and understand how much this hurts?

if not, then... what is the point of all this pain?