it has always amazed me at just how hard it is to be a black man AND gay. i’m only 22, so there’s much more life to live but i’ll soon be turning 23, yet never have i been in a relationship or anything like that. i’ve only been fortunate enough to have hookups, flings, passing times of thinking “maybe this is the one that’ll finally take me up on this journey”. all of which, for better or worse, has left me feeling like sometimes there must be something wrong with me. some days i think maybe it has something to do with me being a black guy. some days i think well maybe if i was more “fem” or maybe i should just alienate fem guys and just go for only “masc” ones. other days i think well maybe it’s because your standards are too high, but one thing is constant, it’s always something lol.

on the surface, i know there’s nothing wrong with me. i know that i work hard for what i have and i also know that i deserve to be treated like how i deserve to be and vice versa. i know a lot of things internally and ik i let my pride also keep me from demanding those things from others which i guess can come to the detriment of myself.

all of this was going to say, i am tired of everyday having to over exert myself simply to be noticed, to not feel like i’m just an invisible person, never noticed. i don’t like that i have to do things or act a certain way to be shown kindness or be acknowledged. i want to move forward and not be so “boy” focused but it’s hard when all i’ve ever wanted was to be seen for myself in a romantic way.

p.s. m****** you won’t ever see this but i can say that that was a heart break that i still am recovering from. i think about you everyday, imaging how happy we could’ve been, but life goes on and i must go on with it. it is my sincere hope that one day i am given something so much better, something that makes my heart full of love and joy and happiness.