One of my trauma triggers after growing up in an abusive and toxic household, plus finally waking up enough to realize I needed to leave a coercive/covert abuse marriage - is silence.

My ex used to manipulate me 24/7. He’d use tactics like the silent treatment or other tactics I wouldn’t later find out about until he realized I caught on and could no longer fall victim to his mind games.

He would use the silent treatment to manipulate me into whatever he wanted.

He would play mind games like “I’m gonna do X without telling her I’m doing X just to see if she notices or what her reaction is like.” and then blame me for my reaction or tell me it was just an experiment from his latest book on blah blah blah and he meant “no harm” other than to practice for when “he runs his own empire one day”.

All in all, it’s manipulative and deceptive and disgusting.

I recognize that secure, safe people communicate when they need space or time.

I recognize that safe people who haven’t yet learned how to feel safe enough to communicate honestly because they may still be under the influence of unsafe people also use avoidant/dismissive behavior without recognizing or caring about the depth of damage.

I recognize that I overthink silence more than I fucking should and it’s got to be the hardest fucking part of the healing journey I’m on.

Silence is fucking deafening to me.

Fuck I wish I weren’t like this.