I’m on the verge of grabbing my jump rope, wrapping it around my neck, tie the other ends to my door knob and hang myself. I’ve come to realize that the more I tried to just go on and live my life and be happy it’s not what I’ve wanted to do with my life because it’s not what I wanted to do, I’ve never really wanted to live since I was a kid. Maybe that’s why I’m always fidgeting with my neck imagining what material would be wrapped around my neck to break my neck and kill me or slowly suffocate me. In the end I wanted to die that way. Now I can’t, I can’t hang myself and but have nothing inside me to move on and have a feeling of being stuck. I’m stuck in this place, the same exact place while the world around me moves forward. Ive been too good to people around me, that’s for sure and I look back on being too good for people. I should have been selfish and never cared about anyone besides my own feelings that’s for sure. If I was selfish, I would have had a less stressful life right now. Must be nice not having to stress about multiple things at a time at such a young age and yeah everyone’s going to say “he was so young what the hell did he have to worry about” but no one would ever know besides me and even then I know I wouldn’t be able to rest because of how much shit me dying would cause. What do you call it when the thought of hanging yourself taps you on the shoulder even when you’re having a good day or enjoying a good moment? This just might be my personal hell and I’ve been living through it for years. I can’t take it anymore