I just feel so unwanted.

But here lately, I'll notice men that I find attractive. Different skin shades. Different heights. Different hair textures. Just enjoying the views. But I don't allow my imagination to take me anywhere. What's the point? None of these men will ever look at me how I look at them. They'll never desire me sexually, nor romantically.

To make matters worse, I've been thinking through my sexual history and the vast majority of men I've ever been with sexually were purely because there was no better option that I could find. Either in the moment, or for that period of time, short or long. I hate it. Yes, I could just not hookup but then I'd never hookup with anyone. My standards have to be lowered just to have any form of sexual intimacy with someone I'm remotely into. Hell, sometimes I'm not even into them at all. Just a means to an end. But I personally know of so many others who don't have this experience and I just get even more sad.

Why can't I ever be seen or desired how I view other men?

I don't even let myself imagine scenarios of my crush(es). Don't want to have any potential hope, because the outcome is literally always the same. They never like me like that. Lol, I can't even fantasize about my wedding day. Never even gotten as far as a truly mutual hookup. Never dated. How is marriage even a possibility?

Never desired.wanted.